Active Listening.

Active Listening.

By R.J.

I’d like to ask you a question if I may. Can you remember the last time someone listened to you? I mean REALLY listened to you expressing yourself? If you are lucky it may have been in the last few days, though for many of us, we may have to think quite hard to remember a time when someone showed us that they were genuinely interested in what we had to say. Can you also remember how it actually FEELS when someone is bothered to take the time to make it clear to you that you are important enough to be listened to? Of course it feels great, doesn’t it?

You are given space to expand your ego & it makes you feel special that what you have
to say means something to somebody. You may find yourself warming towards that person as you express yourself. Most likely after you've been listened to, you’ll think of the listener in a positive light & would possibly look forward to having the opportunity of seeing them again.

So why is that a lot of us guys do the exact opposite when trying to make a good impression on a girl whom we find attractive? Why do we think that trying to find ways to expand our egos when talking with a girl is going to make a good impression? A lot of guys try to impress girls with how much money they have, how clever or talented they think they are, thinking somehow that this is going to take them nearer to having sex.

This is a real dumb, poorly thought out approach which is highly ineffective. If we do attract a girl this way, it’s highly unlikely that we’ve succeeded because of spending all night telling her how wonderful we are. If you or I sincerely want to take our communication skills to the next level, focusing on our listening capability is extremely important. It's good news to know that learning to active listen is a reasonably easy skill to develop & begin to get noticeable results quickly. Like any skill though, it will take consistent practice until it becomes a natural habit for you.

Recent research has shown that women are naturally hard-wired to speak up to 3 times more than men in a day, so even if you decide to only use & develop this particular technique, you will enhance your communication skills greatly with the opposite sex. The aim of this technique is for you to expand the ego of the woman you are talking with; putting her centre stage. You are also going to make her feel comfortable enough to do so, so you'll need to feel physically comfortable yourself as well.

Active listening means using your eyes & feelings as well as your ears. You need to be fully concentrating on what she is saying & how she is saying it. You need to train yourself to be in the present moment, allowing no distractions to come between both of you. As you may
imagine, this will take practice, though the results will astound you.

I'm going to break the art of active listening into 2 parts. The first part is the non-verbal
communication I’d like to ask you to experiment with. Remember to mirror her body language first of all. Reflect her posture & gestures subtly. By leaning your head slightly to one side whilst she's talking it'll show that you’re listening to her. Move slightly forward with the upper half of your body to show your interest. Nod your head occasionally to show that you agree & are happy with her continuing to talk.

If you notice that her conversation is becoming a little negative & you want it to continue in more positive way, try smiling slightly without saying anything & notice what happens. People tend to find it quite difficult to be negative for too long if the person they are talking to is responding to them with a warm smile.

The second part of active listening is to do with how we respond verbally to how she is
expressing herself. Wait for her to finish saying something & then reflect the words back to her to show that you are listening. Do not fall into the trap of just copying what she says word for word. Re-phrase what you think she said to you in your own words to show that you are listening.

If you're not quite sure what she has said to you, don't pretend as if you understand; ask for more information. Ask some open-ended questions & then return to listening. When people talk they give away lots of information, about what THEY would like to talk about. Listen for key words that they will be using & dropping into the conversation.

E.g. If she says, 'I moved here recently & it's taking me a while to adjust to living here'.

a. You can then ask her about where she was living before.

b. How recently?

c. What exactly is she finding difficult to adjust to?

If you usually find yourself dominating conversations by talking a lot, active listening can be a real eye opener! You will be seen in a positive light & be remembered. It also allows you to become an excellent conversationist without worrying about what to talk about.

I can remember 1 time I found myself in a situation where I would be going to bars & clubs with a group of around 8 very hot women. This continued for over 2 years & it was fun. On 1 of my birthdays we went out for a meal together & another table had to be added on to fit them all in. In my local pub a few puzzled guys did approach me & asked me what exactly was I saying to these women. They were curious as this was continuing week after week whilst they were propping up the bar on their own.

I said that it wasn’t so much what I was saying, as not saying. I was paying them possibly one of the highest compliments a man can give to a woman & that is to simply be genuinely interested in them as individuals & I showed that by listening to them. Take your time mastering the art of active listening as it's 1 of the most powerful & useful techniques you'll ever use. You can use it to transform enemies into friends, friends into lovers & lovers into girlfriends if you wish.

Respect.

R.J.
July 2010

www.mantek1.co.uk

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