From	:	Cliff
Subject	:	SPECIAL EDITION: PAUL JANKA INTERVIEW

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THIS IS CLIFF'S PRIVATE LIST, A F*R*E*E* E-MAIL RELATING TO SEDUCTION

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CLIFF'S LIST UPDATES:
Developments to The "Cliff's List Project" are getting much closer. We also will be launching some of the new features on the redone http://www.cliffslist.com website soon.

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EVENT ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Payton Kane:
Clifford will be attending Payton's Mansion Party

This will be the party of the summer. Don't miss out - if you've been thinking of attending, email me as if I put a group together Payton has agreed to a discount price for us. In case it isn't clear from the promo I have been running here, none of the women attending this party are being paid or otherwise incentivized to attend - they are all women who are in Payton's social circle or friends of his friends.

Here's the promo:
Payton: "I got a mini mansion in the burbs - I call it the Seduce & Conquer Mansion! LOL. It’s 4200 Sq ft, 2 story, 3 floors with a massive swimming pool and waterfall. Now that’s not the big news… The big news is that I plan on throwing Playboy style parties at least once a month starting in July! I’m talking strippers, bartenders, waitresses, models and questionable babes from all over Toronto! LOL! And, I plan on turning it into one BIG seminar and party event. So it would be like a Playboy party, pick up training weekend where guys would come from all over (maximum of 20) They would get an in class seminar during the day, (in class meaning by the pool!) then a stripper or nightclub seminar Friday night followed by an in-class, how to work the party, seminar on Saturday and then the big party Saturday night! I hope to have at least 30 to 40 hot girls at the party so there would be at least one girl for every guy and 10 for you and me! LMAO. And, it would be Playboy Style with stripper poles outside, girls jumping in the pool, getting naked, the works! AND the best part is I would only charge a very reasonable amount for the entire weekend! … Brilliant baby! I think I will be the first and only coach to throw Playboy Style Parties, focusing on teaching guys how to approach women, and how to talk to women in order to pick up and score. It would be a tremendous learning experience and a hell of a lot of fun in the process. I think it’s a genius idea! And will allow us to play, enjoy and learn all at once. As you know I have always said that seduction and pick up training should be the most fun a person could have. I think this will be a huge hit even bigger than my Cancun and Dominican Seminars because its cheap and doesn’t take up much time. After all it’s only for a weekend." For details on the next party (the first one was sold out!), which will be held the weekend of August 24-26, go to:

Real Social Dynamics:
RSD has a bootcamp planned for Montreal, as well as others across Canada. They are planning to be in Montreal on August 15-17. For more details, go to

Vin DiCarlo ():
Vin DiCarlo's DiClassified Drills Bootcamp comes to Montreal September 5-7, 2008
The DiClassified Drills 3-Day "Attract Women" Bootcamp Includes:
- 39+ Real Time Drills Based on The Attraction Code
- Two Full Nights of Coached Fieldwork
- The MOST Personalized Attention and Feedback in this Industry
- A DiCarlo DiClassified Certified Trainer
- The DiClassified Drills Underground Training Manual
- Lifetime Exclusive DiClassified Drills Follow Up Support
- A 365 Day Full Money Back Guarantee (plus $500.00 toward documented travel)

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Carlos Xuma:
If you want to learn more about the most important skill a guy can have in dating... Check out Carlos Xuma's Approach Blog with videos and groundbreaking articles...! Also, Carlos has posted a new video that you're going to want to see. It's a ton of Q&A where he answers some great questions about approaching - especially during the day! Remember, every girlfriend you've had - or will have - started with an approach. Go see the blog here:

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Konen:
Konen Interviews Paul Janka ()

The Unstoppable Force (Paul “PLAYBOY” Janka)...Meets the Immovable Object (the Community?)

Paul agrees to the interview, exclusive to Cliff's List. Within seconds of the call, Paul is at it, asking the correct pronunciation of the name “Konen.” A Harvard man, he is in fact playing a respect-rapport card. A Jedi mind trick, but at least we know that Janka is “ON.”

We first discuss the authenticity of a teacher. Success reads a certain way. You speak a certain language after achieving it with women. There is a common writing style. A life lived leaps off the page, while dry theory stays flat. The thousands of interactions Janka has lived out are freshly evident. Say almost any set of words—newspaper on sink, cold bagel, chipped cup, shoelace missing—and he will say "Oh yeah, I met this woman," and tell a story somehow involving said items. Let the fun begin...

K: Let's start with results of your system. You keep a spreadsheet – overall results in the last year, success rate per approach. Sexual intercourse with unique women. Please give the results in screaming CAPS, and rate the attractiveness of the women, too.

PJ:
51 LAYS
521 PHONE NUMBERS
9.8% NUMBER-TO-LAY RATE
LOOKS OUT OF 10, 7 AND 8, SOMETIMES A 9
HIT RATE: I HAVE 161 CONFIRMED UNIQUE LAYS, 51 UNIQUE LAYS SINCE I BROKE UP WITH GF END OF OCT 2007.
51/9 MONTHS = 5.6 UNIQUE LAYS A MONTH. COST PER LAY IS ABOUT $2 - ONE BOTTLE OF SELTZER.
DOWN FROM 11% LATELY, 2 PER WEEK, BECAUSE OF MY NOTORIETY IN LOCAL AND NATIONAL PRESS & GOOGLE.

K: Impressive, especially since “ambush approach,” where “invite-signals” are not confirmed beforehand, is 3% when done by a teacher. Your city of 9 million, NYC, has more women than men, so that helps. Many men don't get laid from one woman 51 times in a year, or lay 51 women in an entire lifetime.

PJ: These days I get numbers from 8 of 10 women I approach. The number of women with an X by their names is around 40. The 11% rate would increase, except that I am not interested in investing time past the initial meet. The demographics of NYC allow me to move on and save time.

K: Getting her email verses phone number. Email allows nearly what text messages do, and is easier to get - are emails weak and useless?

PJ: YES! Women give emails more easily, but text is more immediate (I talk about texting in my first book.) Emails are harder to write down and get correct, reading her writing - in the moment it is awkward, fiddling with pen and paper. It basically adds an unnecessary layer to the process. Why make it harder to connect?

K: Rejection - direct cold-approaching has this, it can be a harsh “NO!” How do you handle it?

PJ: The decline is usually polite. Success makes the limited unpleasant reactions tolerable. If you want success, it is a small price for the reward. Also, I do what they do, I turn my back and walk away, thinking, “Oh well, they must have had a bad day. I didn't do anything to truly justify what just happened, she doesn't know me, so that must be it. Maybe she got fired?” Their moods vary from moment to moment.

K: How was your system developed?

PJ: By observation. When I'd structure an evening, at a certain time and point sex was possible. Drinks after 10 pm, an evening with either dinner or movies - those were both losers.

K: With no publicist, and no exposure to “the community,” you have appeared on Dr. Phil, The Today Show, and a host of other shows. And you have bedded 150+ attractive women. How did you get all this press, and such a successful sex life?

PJ: From 2003-2005, 3 years in NYC, with women, I went from “OK” in skill to crushing it. I discovered a way to quickly convert a prospect to sex. In 2005, for a joke, I wrote a 17-page guide called Getting Laid in NYC. It became viral. Lots of wealthy single guys in NYC loved it. They were sick of being used with no payoff for expensive nights out. But as soon as I wrote it, I got taken off the market into a steady relationship.

A dating-columnist pal covered me in her blog. Psychology Today was next. Then I met a Today Show producer at a bar. We discussed romance, future plans. Two days later, we texted each other. She had Googled me and was very upset. She called me an a-hole, she flew off the handle. She called me a scumbag! I said, “Relax, let me explain.” She calmed down. A “no” to dating me, but a “yes” to a show about an unapologetic seducer - me.

K: Why go public, and why use your real name?

PJ: I was transitioning career-wise. A show with six million viewers would open doors, and it served my ego. So I said, “Cool, okay.” It aired Dec 10, 2007. A cool experience, I showed up early, and went with a pal to amp me up. Only the anchors are fine doing a show at 7:30 am. “And we're live” was all I heard. The overall angle of the coverage was to bash me. I knew the angle. We'd pre-taped the prior segment, and it was a slight warning to me. I was barely awake, up all night, anxious and excited about the appearance. I asked myself, “Do I want to do this, I have a respectable background. Can I repackage myself later on, because it will be hard to get off this course.” I thought, “What do I have to lose?” I was ambivalent at the time.

Gender politics is interesting and fascinating to us all. On the surface, we have this traditional structure. Men and women diverge about what they want. Lover & Provider for them, sexual variety with young attractive women for us. A pro-female show, they disliked my refusal to go along with “The Dinner Hustle.” I say there is no sexual reward to men for expensive dinners they buy on dates. It was a hot topic.

Other media invites just steamrolled. A Gawker writer covered my story in her blog, and then Tyra Banks' producer contacted me. “Men Tell All” was their pitch. Women would form a panel and ask questions. I was to be the strongest male voice, and was fully prepped to lead the others. But Tyra controls her show.

K: You were on Tyra's show for a hot minute. What went awry?

PJ: I mistepped with Tyra Banks. I went in for a mega-hug when she was not up for that interaction. It cost me a leading role on the show. She did not like me after that, and was antagonistic. In the first segment, she used other guys, not me. I went from the anchor to a secondary guy.

K: You acquitted yourself well on The Today Show. It seemed like a trial, you seemed to submit to being examined like a punished student. Yet, you considered the stabbing attacks while not reacting to the unfair and hateful tone. It made me think of the “break” in the sabre fight of Star Wars. Paul “Jedi” Janka?

PJ: I was sleepless and exhausted, which explains the “going along” part, but remaining calm under fire is crucial with women, and in life.

K: On the Dr. Phil Show, you got four numbers in under 30 minutes using Day Game. If a man gets four numbers in one night at a bar or club, he is considered productive! Also on the Doctor Phil show, an AFC student live-coached by you gets birthday “drink-hustled” by some women to the tune of $50. Why not tell the student to run a “declined credit card” excuse to stop the hustle?

PJ: That's a pretty clever out. Sure. Buying drinks is no guarantee of a lay.

K: Many in the community are past the stage of buying women dinners, which you rage about, and they won't buy drinks or dinners until they are given what they want. How do you go about refusing drink requests?

PJ: In NYC, the women don't ask men to buy drinks, but I'll say this. The power of saying no to a girl itself is an aphrodisiac. I was out with friends one night, and a waitress was hustling everyone to buy shots. “I'm fine,” I said the first time. She returned. Again I said, “I'm fine.” The third time I was very firm, “Stop pressing this drink on me!” She returned with her name and number, and handed it to me, saying “Please call me.” She was hanging on me much of the night, and even got in trouble with her boss. I called her that night, but she worked until 4 am. She called me the next day, desperate for sex. The next day! A cutie in a mini-skirt, she told me that she got so wet from my saying no, that she had to give her number over.

Being a man means drawing boundaries. Compliance and submissiveness is feminine and natural when she meets a strong man. If you have strong terms, and you are firm, you will preserve what you want as a man: sex and variety. I sometimes think that if men would go on strike, unionize the penis, and sex-starve the women, the world would be a great place. Our weaker brothers get desperate and horny, so they enter a needy, “bidding” mindset. Women get spoiled. They see their sexual service is worth a dollar value, and then the manipulation starts. She doesn't even want the man she can use in this way as a lover.

K: A female pal of mine said, “We are not stupid, we know sex is worth $200. We don't want cash, but spend some money on us once and awhile.” If men stopped valuing it, and the street price dropped, women might “unspoil” and expect less.

PJ: Men approach in bars to get women drinks. NYC women don't ask to be bought a drink, but sometimes they expect it. If a guy is undisciplined, he offers it as a value proposition. He thinks: “If I buy her drinks, she will come home with me.” It comes off as insecurity. I'm not in the business of impressing women. It's fruitless to prove your worth to a random girl. There is no guarantee that the performance that you are putting on will pay off. You put out your financial resources with nothing coming of it. Pay for performance is what I expect.

K: Konen's Tray Story: A guy bought $40 of shots for two women. They drank some, then two other women he met before swooped in, said hello and took shots. After the shots were gone, he was stunned from the sheer alcohol intake, went deep into his mind and looked to them like, “You engage me, I just paid for those drinks.” The women looked at him for a few seconds, then at each other, then said bye. Four women took off.

PJ: Even though it's not expensive to buy in America, I don't drink, so I don't even keep alcohol in my home.

K: What do you recommend for clients? What do you do if they say they want alcohol at your place - you promised them drinks in your pitch.

PJ: Clients can keep alcohol at their homes. It's certainly nice to pour a girl a drink. I give them tonic water if they ask for a drink.

K: Even a man who avoids drinks and dinners will consume time and energy “performing” routines to women who they later find out are somehow unavailable. Material which “buries in” qualities, like: "OKAY, so I was leaving my bank, too full with my gold, and a baby falls out the window, and I catch it, but who cares, except my two stripper ex-girlfriends, who both notice and demand the great sex I am world famous for, etc." Time and opportunity is lost.

PJ: “The community” does not want to accept this fact. If you are a single guy and you want to sleep with her, you have to get her on her back, nude, and alone with you. Many of the gurus are afraid of making aggressive moves. Being fully masculine about it. You must be direct at every stage, fast-reacting. Dismiss her objections, persuade, get physical, take charge. Being the mayor, “mayor-walking” is indirect and good. But you need to have control of it, and focus on being “her mayor” when the hottie shows up. Being there “just to have a good time” is not enough. She will not do the heavy lifting, unless you are lucky and she is desperate.

K: I see your system as fused and held with structure. To control the chaos. These are also Tom Leykis' “101” Rules. You have developed rules to what end?

PJ: Konen, I like your word, “structure.” I call it holding true to the terms of your contract. You resist her “Provider-Favor” terms, or you suffer. The after 9 pm drink date is a core term of mine for me to meet them.

K: What if she tries to meet before 9 pm, or no drinks, or suggests dinner? There is the dinner hustle: feeling weak, low blood sugar. Feed me! What if a very strong connection is felt to her?

PJ: Now those are her terms. I will never agree to meet her on her terms. My terms are met, or there is no meeting. There is a girl now who insists on day-dates only. We are stuck - no meeting. No exceptions. All we men really have are terms in the game. Rules. They apply right at the start. Almost never do I break my terms. Usually when I do it does not work. Of 30 dinner dates, I had only two lays. I used a spreadsheet to see what worked. If I adjust my terms for a specific woman, it usually leads to failure. If too much is asked by her, it is not worth my effort.

K: After sex, some women want money spent. How do you deal with the push?

PJ: When women start demanding or dictating terms, I cut her off. We part ways.

K: In the “Getting Laid” PDF, you say the time to make the cut, if needed, is at the taxi stage. What would tell you to cut? What is the resistance you are listening and looking for? Do you talk about this more in your new book, or do you abandon the lounge-then-your-place technology?

PJ: I discuss the concept of discipline. It's the most important thing for a player to understand, or he'll get his ass served to him. I've never talked about that specific situation. What would tell me to cut it off and split? If she insists on another place for drinks, when my place at 1 am is just fine. The resistance I'm listening and looking for is her insistence on a “neutral” place to continue the date.

K: Leykis 101 calls that the Filibuster, where an attempt is made to infinitely extend-a-date. He says to cut out as well. You talked on TV about men being forced to look to porn for relief, as their Game has not kept up with hers. How is porn hurting long-term relationships?

PJ: Exposure to strip clubs and Internet porn, all has raised the bar on what we expect in life as men. There is a wide variety of crazy sexual stuff, so a guy consuming modern porn is conditioned to demand variety. Over time, the brain does get conditioned. In the real world he has one girl, but his mind, and perhaps his instinct, wants variety. Monogamy is monotony, so we need to limit our intake of porn, or the family will dissolve.

K: Let's go to the evil side of things - the Pregnancy Hustle. With the moneyed look you teach men to show, women might try to get fertilized by pulling the condom off or spiking it with a needle.

PJ: A woman I dated was with a famous baseball player who, under advice from team lawyers, would always use condoms, and never climax with a woman. He would finish himself off alone in the bathroom, and flush or hot-sauce the condom to avoid pregnancy. I felt bad for that guy. Ball players buy women off to abort when that happens. Men must always use and guard their condoms. The pill alone is useless if she misses a day or gains/loses weight. Men must be careful and take charge here, too. I often see a woman sexually only one time, so at times in the past I relaxed about condoms if she said she was on the pill.

K: I want to bash American nightclubs (the exception is if you are a great dancer - go there to display your skill.) Nightclubs are all about Submission: guest list, line, drinks line, cover charge, coat check, toilet-person tip, costly drinks and tips. DJ's, promoters and bouncers control everyone. As a favor, “the Sage” did an entire podcast blasting US nightclubs as potentially damaging to the ego of a man.

PJ: Nightclubs and bars have too few women, and too many average-looking women. Too many men. I let loose at one recently, with A-Game, yet these low-rated women resisted me. Huge “push-back,” huge egos, they get on cloud nine in clubs. A man with eyes would walk by these women, but there, that night, I can't get attraction! At 3 pm in a coffee shop, I can rap and get a number in 90 seconds, and get a “booking” follow-up call. She'll return my text and agree to meet for a date.

K: Conditions and context - the environment. Where and when you meet often trumps everything else, and sets her state and defenses.

PJ: I agree. The problem with nightclubs: cattle treatment. You wait in line like a criminal, you overpay for drinks, and you might get drink-hustled. With their women pals, they sometimes are unavailable to engage. They are only there to give men the “tease treatment,” from what one girl I dated told me. At 3 am, she would leave the club and her pals, and come over to get sex. She had a “sex guy” in her back pocket—me—and no use for what she called “Club Guys.” In their world, “be fabulous, be a rock starlet.” Worst of all, men must be competitive with other men, even fight, while women skip lines and pay nothing. I've worked both bars and clubs a lot. I know.

K: It's like “Night At The Roxbury,” fully realized! The clubs have stripper poles and rules against men hopping on to a raised stage. To me, they boost or pedestal the “starlet” factor to spur drink sales. Men have more strict dress codes. Men get kept in line longer. The goal is male submission. My pal taught English in Japan, where the women had names for the uses of guys. Sex boy was best, all men wanted this. Food-boy, drive-boy, movie-boy, travel boy, errand-boy. Humiliating, but at least those men see they are being diminished and are wary. We need that language here, to stop the tooling.

PJ: In Cuba in 2001, tourists with cash were the stars. Women needed accompanying to get in, and would beg. Women are just too cheap for club owners there to bother with.

K: Women are notorious for not spending or tipping at clubs, but without them, here, men leave. One club in Canada is using promoters to lure women in on slow summer Thursdays - hot women get $200 bottle service of Grey Goose vodka in an ice bucket. One of them told me, “It pays to be a girl!” It explains why in Cuba, women are not treated so well. Unattractive women here cannot jump the line. They wait, or leave, humiliated.

The Doc Love Name Test: Can it improve your Attraction Formula System? You talk a little, then ask her name and be silent. If she does not answer, and ask your name, she is not interested or is rude. Walk away.

PJ: No. Women are fickle, moody, maybe it's their period. A man has no idea of her day. If you get her number, you have lots of chances. In my teaching, I invoke the Law of Large Numbers. I lean on my science background. A number of difficult prospects will become cool and convert to sex. Maybe they are not receptive at a moment in time. As you said earlier, Konen, women are open to sex 8 hours over a month. These problem women turn around sometimes. It is a more advanced thinking than that rule, which ignores her mood swings. As men, we must swim upstream. Leaving numbers on the table only works against you.

K: Yes, women, as Ned says, are a mass of conflicting wants, needs, emotions and desires - mood swings. In time and a word, things change. Explain the “Movie Trailer pitch:” Aim, Fire & Get Out. No one has compressed the interaction to 60-90 seconds. That is original.

PJ: It's a general framework. I’d say 45 TO 90 seconds works best. Flow with it. Don’t feel cramped by the timeline. It’s more of a guide than a hard rule. Definitely never talk more than a few minutes though, unless you are really hitting it off.

K: How do you react to a 2 week holiday? Will the numbers acquired using your system be stale and useless when you return?

PJ: The numbers are good for 2 weeks. In fact, women are intrigued by a guy just back from vacation: you have stories, a tan, and clearly enough money to travel. Send a text like, “Hey, just back from the ISLANDS/MOUNTAINS. I was thinking of you while away and want to get together and catch up - hear how you've been.”

There is a sweet “time factor” of 60 seconds, and it's over. Get her number, hug, and leave. 45-60 seconds, longer if it is going great. The point is to minimize the duration of effort in the front end. Epic song and dance, scripts and routines, are wasted energy. You never know what her story is. Some questions are trouble. Asking her if she has a man may get a “YES,” if only to get rid of you. Why waste time? Attractive plus no boyfriend means a man should approach. Agreeable ones, co-operators, are always called first and soonest: two days. I judge them on their behavior after I get the number. It's like a credit agency. Check the credit reports. Does the client pay their bills, or just say that they do? A young girl from Texas, in art school, came over - she had a great credit score. My texts to her were full of sensual innuendo. Are you showering, are you wearing anything? She was coming over, and there was a tight “time-window.” I started to make small talk, and then she stopped me, saying, “We don't need to do that, let's just get started.” She was sex-hungry, she knew what she wanted. So too should men.

K: I like how your system detects and blocks women's tests. In starting the date early, she is trying to trash 190 of 200 resumes, looking for the slightest defect. In chess terms, she is trying execute a Smothered Mate: you end up checkmated or smothered by your own pieces - of information.

PJ: Nicely stated. Trying to elicit information over the phone/text before we actually meet in person is a key part of a woman's game. Women often want to “GET COMFORTABLE” with us over the phone before meeting. In fact, they are really looking for a reason to CANCEL. I don't let that happen.

K: The future?

PJ: I have plans for a couple of TV shows and a reality show. I'm trying to enlarge my function. In life, women and sex are a starting point. For men to be men, they must keep their strength and their integrity at all times. If women are bitchy, they must be corrected. Men, with my teachings, will become more proactive and fully actualized. Many men come into adulthood as non-engaged. In sum, all areas are suffering in men these days. If a man has not been laid in six months or a year, it's a symptom of larger problems.

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Carlos Xuma ()
The Inner Game of Approach Anxiety

Get ready for some cool #$&% here...I've got a message that will really help you with this whole "anxiety" thing...

The biggest question that guys have about approaching and "Daygame" is simply this: "How do I get rid of my approach anxiety?"

Now that's a huge question. In fact, it was so big that it inspired me to create this program to get you past it. I can't cover it all in one email, BUT I'm going to target one question that focuses on one part of this problem. I think you're going to get a lot out of this if you listen closely.

Here's the question:

"What is the fastest way to force the anxiety of approaching out? How do I fight my way past my fear?"

Let me explain it like this...

As you already know, I'm a student of language, because we all THINK in language. I grew up in America, and I speak English, and all my thoughts are in English. So when I think, I'm limited to the concepts that the English language is built on. If this sounds weird, just think about it this way: In English, we put adjectives (the words that describe something) in FRONT of the word we are describing.

So if I say I've got a LONG...

HARD...

CRUSTY...

OLD…

sandwich roll...

What did you think as you were waiting to get to the "sandwich roll" part? Your mind had time to make up a lot of stuff there, didn't it?

And for many of the languages of the world, adjectives DO NOT come first, so people who think with the nouns first don't imagine the same things.

This is a lot of what "NLP" or "Neuro-Linguistic Programming" is based on.

So let's get back to your question about "forcing the anxiety out" and "fighting past your fear." What kind of images do those words create in your brain? Force...fight...all you see is CONFLICT. Struggle! And what you end up doing is FIGHTING something instead of learning how to work WITH its energy. This is the foundational principle of a great many martial arts. When force meets force, you have a battle of wills.

AND - when you think in terms of conflict and fighting - what must you assume to believe that you have a fight? You must believe you have an ENEMY.

In other words, if I believe I've got a fight on my hands, I simply MUST have an opponent - an adversary to fight. When you assume you have to fight "approach anxiety" you actually give your enemy more power over you. You start to imagine your enemy in all kinds of detail. You see his armor, his weapons, and his intimidating battle stance. You hear his words of doubt whispering in your ear. You feel him holding you back when you see a woman you want to talk to...

Look, I'll be the first to admit that this fear is VERY real. You DO feel it, and it does exist. I'm not saying it's a figment of your imagination. But what if the fear had nothing to do with the approach? What if it was something else you could actually control? What if you could turn its energy around to HELP you?

This falls under the category of self-limiting beliefs, because we're giving more power to our "enemy" by pretending that he's something we need to fight. What if your approach anxiety was clown? Dressed in a ridiculous outfit?

And he's carrying around a bag of pretzels that he keeps pushing up his nose...

And every time he tries to talk you out of approaching, he rips a wicked fart...

What do you think of your enemy now? Not so scary, huh? In fact, he's downright laughable.

Here's the most important step you can take to get past your approach anxiety: STOP ARGUING *FOR* YOUR LIMITATIONS.

Let me give you another metaphor to work with here. When I was first starting to learn guitar, I had all kinds of reasons why I thought I'd suck at the guitar.

My fingers were thin...

My hands were weak...

I was confused by all the frets and strings and combinations...

I couldn't possibly play as well as those guys I heard on the radio...

As I started to learn and apply myself, I found that playing guitar was actually pretty easy. All my perceived limitations were wrong.

My thin fingers served me because I could play complicated scales and chords easier than if my fingers were "normal" sized...

My hands got stronger in just 2 weeks of playing...

I spent study hall in school just re-writing the scales on the fretboard so that I would memorize them faster...

And so on.

What I see is that guys will argue for - and give all their power over to - the belief that is holding them back: their own fear of approaching. Arguing for your limitations sounds like this:

"But...I think that women are scared of men...they don't want us to approach them..."

"But...what about the women that just want us to approach to get compliments?"

"But...I think that women are just being polite when guys approach..."

"But what about...?"

"But...but...but..."

The list goes on and on. If you want to, you can keep giving your anxiety more and more power by finding reasons to believe in it even more...KEEP coming up with those "buts." Or you can accept that arguing for your enemy is what's really holding you back, and just agree to not fuel it with any more of your fear.

Can you imagine how that would change your perception of the fear?

I've got more great stuff coming up - including how to really turn your anxiety into a clown that will not only be a fun partner, but he'll even MOTIVATE you to approach...just so you can watch him cry...

Remember, every girlfriend you've had - or will have - started with an approach.

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J:

I just recently stumbled on a little secret. It's all about inner game and your beliefs (confidence.) Nothing else really matters, and I found a way to drill your beliefs deeply into your subconscious mind instantly.

The other day I was bored, so I went to the mirror to do some mirror afformations. I'm following Cory Skyy's () method, where he says to go to the mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say affirmations like ''I am a sexy muthafucka'' and so on. But one thing I think he leaves out is putting emotion into it.

Well, I thought I'd experiment, so I went to the mirror and started saying my afformations with full conviction. I clenched my fists, flexed my whole body, and said my afformations over and over again with full emotion till my face turned red. For example: Why am I so fearless? Why me? Why am I so fearless? Why am I so fucking fearless? Was I born fearless? Yes you were, fuck! Why am I so fuckinnnnn fearlesssss?

I know it sounds crazy, but I have never gotten such instant results ever in my life. As soon as I stepped outside the house, it was as if women could feel my presence from miles away. While driving, several women almost had accidents because they were checking me out so hard. Virtually every woman I walked past gave me a smile, some stopped walking as if they were hit by a train, and so on.

All this from about 15 minutes of doing afformations with full emotion. I've found out doing one affirmation or afformation with full emotion is equivalent to doing 50 or even 100 normal ones.

I just had to let you know about this, because I have never had instant results in attraction like this ever before, and I am going to keep doing them until it's ingrained. When I do these afformations like this, I don’t even care about results, because it makes me feel so good I can't help but strut. You should definitely try it and let me know how it goes.

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D:
I want to share a story with you, to see if you have come across something similar in the past and know how to overcome it.
A female friend of mine from university, whom I haven't seen for several years, sent me a text message yesterday: “I know it's short notice, but do you fancy dinner tonight?” I was very surprised, considering we have been briefly texting each other for the last six months with no plans of meeting up (even though she lives and works not far away from me.) For years we have been planning to meet up but somehow nothing ever materialized. I do get the feeling that I am the one making all the moves. I don't think it's anything personal, I think it's just the way she is. Yesterday was the first time I have spoken to her on the phone, even though she has had my number all this time. I have tried to call her in the past, but her phone has gone straight to the answering machine and she never returned the call.
Anyway, I told her we could meet, but I that I was working until late. I suggested that I could pick up a pizza on my way home, and she could come over to my place and share it with me. She agreed.
I really liked this woman in the past, and still do. She is extremely attractive (and she knows it) and is a very social girl with a great personality. We were close friends at university, and we kissed once, but she decided that she wanted to be just friends. So I was really nervous about meeting her because of all these past feelings. I was also afraid that we wouldn't have much to talk about, even though I hadn't seen her in years. I tried to keep myself cool and collected, and to pretend she was just another girl, but to no avail.
She asked me on the phone if I was still living with my parents (which I am) and as much as I would love to believe that she was interested in some romance that night, I don't think that was the case. We're both in our twenties, and I suppose it's about time I did find my own place, but living at home is convenient. I save on rent, and I work locally, so it just seems to make sense and I don't think it's too unusual.
When she arrived at 10, she joked that she was ready to go to sleep. She told me that she couldn't stay out late, as she had to be at work by 9 the next day. We walked into the kitchen, and my nerves were getting the better of me, to the point that I was sweating visibly. I was embarrassed, but there was nothing I could do.
We ate the pizza and talked. The conversation seemed to be going quite well, and she seemed to be enjoying herself. When I asked her what she wanted to drink, she went to the kettle to make herself some tea without hesitating. So she seemed to be relaxed, too.
We went to sit in the lounge (she sat on one couch, I sat on the other) listening to some music and talking for awhile, until she excused herself around midnight. I told her before she left that we should not wait so long to meet up again, and that she could come over anytime.
So my questions are as follows:
How can I turn our relationship from one where we hardly see each other to one where she could come around for a cup of tea or a movie whenever she feels like it?
How can I lead the interaction so that we're not sitting on different couches, and I'm able to touch her playfully, hug her, etc? I would like to rekindle what was there in the past, but what is really important is that I don't loose her friendship. I am afraid if I touch her she will think I still like her, and that will push her away again, which I don't want to do.
What can I do to keep the conversation going and stop running out of things to say? There were moments where I was hoping she was going to come up with something, and I just feel uncomfortable letting it be “her problem.” Aren't guys supposed to take the lead and show the women a good time? It just feels unnatural to let there be a silence during the conversation. I want to learn how to make my dialogue really good, but I guess that just comes from practice and time in the field approaching.
I am working hard to get this area of my life handled. I have started doing things like cold approaches, which I'm not used to, improving my style, and generally trying to be more social. Should I just walk up to a woman and tell her directly that I like her and want to get to know her? Right now I am experimenting with opinion openers, but I suppose transitioning from that to getting a phone is number and eventually a date is no easy feat.
I would really be interested to know of any particular article or product you think I may find useful. There is so much advice out there it's sometimes difficult finding what will fit your personality best.
Does answering phone calls during the evening break the mood? Is it rude?
Did I do anything wrong? How can I do things differently next time?

Clifford's Comments:
Sometimes it saddens me to share my opinion because it shows how much of my old naiveté I have lost. When you tell me that you have known this woman for several years, and have been texting each other for the last 6 months, my first thought is that she's been keeping you on the back burner for when she has nothing else to do. You're interesting enough for her to keep in touch with, but not enough for her to want to see you over whatever (or whoever) she has available as an alternative.
Women are a lot smarter about their social lives than guys are. She knows exactly what she's doing. She kept you on the string for a night when she had nothing else to do. That's the reason for the “last minute” business. I may be wrong, but that's what hits me.
This is exactly what some guys suggest we do to women: never take their calls, only respond with a text asking "what's up" after letting her call go to voice mail. Don't make excuses for them, because you are only fooling yourself.
First mistake I think you made was letting her decide anything. It's a tricky thing to maneuver, but you need to be the one making the decisions. The fact that you kissed her in the past is the reason she was staying in touch. She wanted to find out if you were man enough to overcome her former resistance and turn this into a romantic encounter.
She was coming over to your place at 10 pm for a reason, and it wasn't to make sugar cookies. The ONLY reason she came over was to have a romantic adventure with you. Women do not come over to a man's home at 10 pm, joking about being ready to go to sleep, without really wanting some loving. But we men second guess ourselves all the time and don't really believe this could be happening, so we play it safe, and let the moment slip away.
The problem is we are afraid of coming on too strong, so instead, we don't come on strong enough and end up turning the woman off. Somewhere in that series of events, you needed to get close to her in a relaxed but confident way. You didn't have to try and kiss her or do anything dramatic, but you needed to convey a masculine energy. It has to be crystal clear that she's a woman and you're a man and it is inevitable that you will be making love together before long. For most guys, this is best expressed non-verbally, but some are able to put it into words and make it work.
If you're sitting next to her during dinner, through a combination of sensual tonality (lowering your voice even if you're not saying anything personal,) deep eye contact, and appropriate non-sexual touching, you can turn up the intensity of the encounter. For example, during the conversation, escalate the touching slowly until you are feeling her hair, and if she doesn't resist, start smelling her hair and get really close to her. You do all these things slowly and gradually, only escalating when you get clear signals that she wants more (which usually is mainly indicated by her not giving the opposite signals rather than signals to advance - if she doesn't pull back or object, you keep going).
She gave you two hours to close the deal, then finally decided it wasn't going to happen and left disappointed and with you now solidly in the friend zone--if that. Don't be surprised if she drops all contact with you, because now she may think that there is no possibility of a more intimate relationship. You had your chance, you didn't take it, and now she's probably scratched you off her list of options.
Don't worry about her friendship--she wasn't much of a friend, was she? Not taking your calls, keeping you on a string for so long, knowing you wanted to be more than just friends and taking you out of the minor leagues at the last minute to give you a shot at pinch hitting when her other, more interesting options weren't available. I can go on, but I think you get the point. She wanted you to take her, she felt safe enough and was turned on enough to come to your place at 10 pm, but you turned out to be just another guy who was afraid to offend her by giving her what she really wanted. You have to pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Isn't that the first piece of advice all men get about women? And we still don't get it.
Regarding the fact that you're still living with your parents, while I understand that it's convenient, you need to realize that living at home at your age is a major strike against you when you meet a woman. She wants to meet a man, not a boy living with his parents. If you have a private entrance and can make it seem like you are renting a place (and only introduce your parents into the picture after you have been seeing the girl for a while) you may be able to get away with it, but women will still hold it against you. I am not telling you to lie about your situation, but you don't need to give all the information either. Let her fill in the blanks.
As far as the phone calls that came in while you were with her go, I don't think it's a big deal either way. But if it was her job calling for her, believe me, she'd answer. So if you take the calls, don't keep apologizing. Let her think that it's another woman calling. Give her the impression that you are desired. This was a first date, wasn't it? Behaving like you're already pursuing a committed relationship is the type of thing that usually scares women away, no matter how much they tell you they are looking for something serious. Again, don't (necessarily) believe what they say.
I doubt you will get a second chance with this one, but if you do, you need to be a lot more romantic with her. Don't be afraid to be coyly sexual with her. You don't have to say anything blunt, but you can allude to things in a playful way. For example, a girl texted me yesterday, asking me what I was doing. I wrote back that I was working out at 1 pm - “wanna test my strength after?” She can take that two ways--it's playful, but at the same time funny and sexual.
If she doesn't have enough of a sense of humor to appreciate your jokes, then you have to be man enough to realize this woman isn't for you. Stop apologizing for being a man. This is what she is really looking for, and she is only testing you to see if you are strong enough to stand up to her nonsense. They don't realize themselves what they are doing half the time. You have to have that quiet confidence that you DO know what you are doing and that you aren't going to let her nonsense put you off. You always have to be a gentleman, but you always have to be a man, too.
I am not sure that guys are “supposed to take the lead and show the woman a good time.” In most of the best relationships I have had, the woman has done all the maintenance: she calls, works at the relationship, everything. The more hesitant I am, the more I let her do the pursuing, the harder she seems to fall. I recently picked up a copy of a great little book I read along time ago called “The Joy Of Letting Women Down” which gives the formula for creating addiction to a man as “First a hit, then a miss, over and over, leads to bliss” which basically means do something nice, followed by something not so nice, then something nice, and then something not so nice and this roller coaster treatment fuels women's need for drama and creates tremendous passion in them. I have been doing that subconsciously for a long time and it definitely works. The book, btw, is written by a woman.
You just need to relax when it gets quiet. Here's Payton's great line for situations like this: “Why so quiet? Thinking about me?”
The reality is that when the girl does the chasing, you are going to win the race. Worrying the way you do is exactly what every other guy does, and that's why it doesn't work. The only thing you need to keep in mind is giving her the opportunity to "close" at some point; something like "Well, this is the time of the evening when you will try and get my phone number and I will have to decide if I give you a real number or not." Something to open the door to continuing the interaction. Another good one from Brent is, "I'm going back to my place to have some champagne and relax, you're welcome to join me if you like." Worrying about performing a long enough conversation/improvised comedy routine to "impress her" is a road to frustration, as far as I am concerned. Don't you want this to be an easy, natural process? Something that isn't a struggle and that you enjoy?
Also, try doing some cold approaches being direct. Get out of your comfort zone. I get the impression you are doing things much too cautiously. It is actually an easy feat if you believe that she's as anxious to meet you as you to meet her (which may take a leap of faith from the way they behave when you start up with them sometimes.) For example, you could tell her that she had the best answer to your opinion opener question and she wins the opportunity to invite you for a coffee. As for being direct, I often use Payton's "I see you checking me out" opener (followed by a compliment on her good taste) which is direct in the sense that it's clear now that the interaction is a male-female one, not just you asking for an opinion which could be completely impersonal.
Practice will help, but you need to make things a part of you so that they come out naturally and aren't an effort. Doing a lot of approaches is a good thing, but I would suggest you do these with someone who is really good at it, who can critique what you are doing and help you adjust and improve. If you are doing a lot of approaches and not figuring out what to change or adjust, you will keep getting unsatisfactory responses. This leads to frustration, and eventually to a lack of interest in trying, as without any results you feel like you are wasting your time.
As for articles or product that I would recommend, I think a great place to start (and it's free) is to read through the archives of my list on my site (http://www.cliffslist.com). You'll see stuff from most of the known guys teaching this stuff, and be able to form your own opinions of who you think fits your style best. The thing is, you need to find the teachers who resonate with you. It doesn't matter what method the teaching you prefer is, but whoever you follow should have the right impact on you. There are guys who, for example, are teaching Mystery's stuff, but the way they explain the same material may just hit you better than the way Mystery does (or vice versa.) All of these guys have good stuff to share, but there's a lot, and there are conflicting ideas out there (e.g. direct vs. indirect). You need to find what clicks with you.

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