She Jumps On It Like A Fat Kid On A Smartie

It was an almost entirely text-based seduction. A Day 2, no-date lay; we hung out for a few hours before we got it on. But the seduction ... the teasing, the tests, the preliminary comfort-building, the coming to the understanding that we were gonna fuck ... was entirely done through texts.

It's a very long LR, so here are my concluding remarks for those who don't have time. We all know the ending anyway, haha.

1. When you're feeling high, there's no faking it. I met her at the end of the same week I saw the heart-pumping, life-affirming Alice In Chains concert, and the day after my don't-give-a-fuck cold approach of a 3-some at a coffee shop. I fucked her the day after my last ski day of the season.

2. When you don't care, there's no faking it. Like the coffee shop, and like this approach. You simply can't fake a sense of being unattached to the to outcome. You can't get there by affirmations. You can't will your way there ... that will just have the reverse effect. You just have to feel it by saying whatever the fuck you want with a big smile, shutting your mouth, and seeing if they can run with it too. Then you decide if they deserve you having your number or an insta-date or whatever. I never look at girl anymore and think, man, I gotta get her number ! Ever.

3. When it's on, it's on. We clicked right away, in the first couple minutes of our chat. Of course it takes pushing, but it should feel like a long, exhilarating sports game or playoff series. If it feels like work, it's because it she is a pain in the ass. Ask yourself what it'd be like trying to convince her to get naked ... forget girls who are boring or scared after a few minutes (or less).

4. I definitely wanted to fuck this girl from the start. But I also decided early on to see it through myself, without turning to others for advice. It was just a point of pride for me. In a way I became more attached, but in a good way. It was like that sports series: outcome unknown, but knowing I played my heart out no matter how it went … and I could control the outcome if I played smart. So in a way, I was prepared to throw all the chips in, and lose them all too. Does that make sense ?

...and one last big revelation at the end.

Around 6pm on a Friday, I saw “S” at the foodcourt in the local mall, while with a friend I hadn't seen in 6 months ... which put me in a good mood. Intermittently chatted her up between getting food. She had headphones on. Many guys wouldn't bother. I went up to her and asked what she was listening to. Rancid.

She's from out of town. (I use this and other things in the conversation for, as we comedians say, a “callback” later. I've been blessed with a very sharp memory.)

My friend calls me, my food is ready. I turn and walk away without even excusing myself.

Also ... this is crucial ... I said nothing to my friend when I went 10 feet away to approach her. I learned early on that you shouldn't let being with someone who doesn't “get it” stop you if you see someone you like the look of. But you should never say what you're doing. Once you've explained what you're doing, they start going, “Oh, what girl ?” craning their necks, grinning like idiots, maybe even pointing or nodding in her direction. And then, if you're in street, the girl is gone anyway (yeah ... fleeing).

So instead, just say, “Hang on a sec...” and walk away. They are dead to you from that moment until you build enough comfort to maybe introduce them, if you feel like it.

My friend was still waiting on his food, so I went back up to her. She had her earbuds back in, and I asked what she was listening to now. Pink Floyd.

Like I said, when you know you've found a fun one, you know right away.

Then I asked if she preferred the disco 70s Bee Gees or the schmaltzy 60s version. She prefers disco, me schmaltz.

We start name dropping bands we like. Fleet Foxes, My Morning Jacket, R.E.M. She names one I haven't heard of … Aqualung. She puts her headphones on my head and plays them for me. I introduce myself, and invite her to join my friend and I. She can't, she's getting take-out because she has to meet someone. She comments on my R.E.M. Shirt as I bid her adieu (my friend's food is ready.)

“You know it !” I say. She laughs and repeats what I said.

I sit down with my friend, with my back to the food court area, and ask if he thinks she's too young. He's almost 40, and razzed me for looking at girls earlier with his reminder “I have 16-yr-old daughter ...” I ask him to see if she's still there, waiting for her food, every minute or so. Let her sweat it out.

I go back after about 4 minutes, approach from behind and tap her on the arm, and say “Hey, gimme your number.” No hesitation on my part or hers. I pull out my notepad.

She makes a gesture like scratching out a line. Priceless. Right there, I'm like, she's hot (tall, brunette, dark eyes, full lips, bit of a schnoz, voluptuous ... basically, quite Jewish-looking which I really dig, although she's not Jewish) she likes good music, she's funny, she's outgoing. I'm seeing this one through.

I was pumped about this girl. Just a great feeling from the start. I called my wing and told him how I met her, and we figured out my 1st couple teasing texts.

9:56pm - I hope you're not offended, but you've got a great pair

9:59pm - Of headphones Sticky

She said later she never got this one, but she figured out who it was anyway.

S (“Sarah”) 10:03 – Haha ! A great pair of what ? And who is this by the by ?!

I called back my wing and said “I've got a live one ! Can I invite her to a party tomorrow, or is that too soon ?”

“Of course not,” he replied. “Duh, yeah. Strike while the iron's hot !”

Then he gave some great advice: “But don't just say 'Hey, wanna come to a party' like every other guy. Make it absurd, so she doesn't really expect the event to be that crazy, but it grabs her attention.”

And that was the last advice I sought on this, though that principle guided me at every step.

S 10:12 – Actually, you don't have to answer the first question, I'm pretty sure I know who this is. But I'm still interested in which “pair” you refer to. Probably my hands, right ?!

10:32pm – Well I have been fantasizing about your handwriting ever since.

S 11:34 – It's easy to fantasize about something you've never seen.

12:05pm – True. But I snuck some peeks at your elbows. Wowza.

S 12:16 – Hahaha ! I try to keep those babes covered. They're really quite deadly. Also, note to you, I've picked up many a chick, and usually if you start with, “I hope you're not offended but ...” it won't work !

First shit test. I blast right through it.

12:24am – Oh, I'm doing alright. So what do you like about chicks' elbows ? You put cream on those puppies ?

S 12:53 – Chicks' elbows ? They don't usually do it for me fully. I go beyond the elbow (I'm deep like that).

1:23am - Mmhm it's nice getting deep.

2:28am – What else makes you deep ?

Saturday

S 10:20am – Based on the innuendo in your texts, is it safe to say you haven't had sex in a while ?!

Nice thing to wake up to ! Major test. My reply is almost verbatim my first instinct for a response. It's not even that I blast through it; it occurs to me I'm changing, this confidence is becoming internalized.

12:53pm – Hahaha !! Weren't you showing off your girl knowledge before ? Appreciate the concern for my cock though.

S 1:06 – Showing off my girl knowledge ?! Hahahaha what do you mean ?!

… and she's playing dumb.

2:10 – You know what I mean little miss pick up text lesson.

S 3:29 – Ah I see ! Well, doll, with the whole “you have a nice pair” comment, I thought you might want to learn from my experience picking up chicks ! Hahaha

7:46 – You're a fly girl. I'm going to a party later with back flipping midgets and fire breathing monkeys. You in ?

S 7:48 – Will there also be monkey butlers ? One at first, but it will train others ? I can't tonight baby girl, I'm hanging out with a friend o' mine

9:28 – Baby girl, eh ? You keep mentioning you're into girls, too ... sounds like someone's hot for me.

S 9:36 - I call many people baby girl, not that you're not special ! I kind of just like people, what's between their legs is merely coincidental.

Sunday

11:51am - Hey babe put my home line in your phone. I'll call later.

4 pm ... I call and leave a total AFC message. It was like, “Yeah, it's been great texting you, I don't feel like I've gotten to know someone like this through texting ... (voice gets weak) There's something special about you.” I knew I had to pull this one of out the fire the minute I hung up ...

4:14 – I always have sucked at talking to voicemail. Did you see the snow ?

S 4:26 – You do suck at it, yes ! Hahahaha kidding, it was cute. I can't talk now though, I'm at the lab. I do indeed see the snow. Mother nature dropped the ball on the whole “spring” idea.

4:38 - I have a meeting from 7 to 10. I want to see you after. Your place, my place, a nice walk if you want to take things slow ...

S 4:48 – Hahaha ! Oh my. Unfortunately tonight isn't the best night. I live downtown but I'll be staying at a friend's tonight which is kind of far.

4:57 – Lemme sweeten the pot: I'll make love to both of you ! At half off !

S 5 – You'll make love to us ?! How romantic. Candles and all ? Also, it's a guy, not a girl … hahaha still wanna bone us both ?!

5:07 – Making love's about emotions and tenderness, not accoutrements, kiddo. This dude, friend or more ?

I handle the guy head-on. I would've ignored it before.

S 5:12 – Indeed it is. There's making love, and then there's just fucking, to be vulgar. I just found it interesting that you used the former. The guy is a close friend.

5:25 – I told you, I have a feeling about you. Your first time with someone new only happens once, I want to savor it. ONS excepted, but I'm so past that shit.

5:26 - Yeah I'm a hopeful romantic.

S 5:31 – A feeling about me, eh ? That's only because you didn't hear me sing Nighttime. If you did, that'd be it

I'm laying it on too heavy, that's how I always scare girls, over attachment too early. Get funny again, Sticky ...

5:36 – Hahaha !! We'll hafta have a cracked voice duet ... out by a frog swamp where it blends in.

S 5:46 – The frogs will be out singing me, and it will be incredible ...

6 – Can't wait. Btw going to be skiing this week so snow works for me !

1:01 – Hey you free next Saturday during the day ?

S 1:23 – Actually, I'll probably be with a friend visiting from back home.

2:38 – Ah well. I'm partaking of a springtime tradition.

S 2:40 – Sugaring off ?!

2:41 – Yep.

S 2:42 – Ooooh ! I've never been before !

2:46 - That's what i figured. You in ? I can check for room in the car. P.S. listening to the Bee Gees, that's right, I said it, the Bee Gees ! (callback)

2:55 – To clarify, do you think your friend might also like to join us for the mapley fun ?

S 3 – Well, I'm going to hold off on saying yes until I talk to him. I'm not sure what his plan is yet.

3:08 – You mean it's not sure thing that he's down this weekend ? Why don't I try to find you a spot anyway ? No pressure, just gotta figure out cars.

S 3:35 – No I'm sure he's coming, not sure what he was wanting to do on Saturday. So you're all into music, do you play an instrument ?

Turning point #1: These texts are fun, but I'd rather be chatting and laughing in person. I've invited her to 3 things now, and she hasn't given me a clue about when she is free. Missing a key a IOI there. But why does she keep texting if she's as busy as she says ? I decide to throw my cards down, all or nothing, and prepare to walk away ... she later said I “wigged out a bit.”

3:48 – I've been meaning to learn bass. I do other artsy stuff. But, look, S, I gotta level with you: this is nice, but finding out out all about ...

3:52 – Each other like this takes a lot of fun out of it for me. Besides, I don't like to chase. In fact, I usually give girls my number ...

3:56 - You laugh, but ... anyway, I had a great vibe off you right away, you seem like you're ready to meet someone, but you don't know what you want ...

S 4:01 – Oh my ! You sure “picked up” on a lot through texts ! Possibly more than was actually happening. You texted me, and then it continued ! I know exactly what I want and don't want. Fact is, you met me in my last semester and I'm crazy busy at the moment. No chase, just trying to work around my obligations.

4:15 - I hear you. I know school is nuts. I want to know: do you want to see me again ? P.S. Don't tell me you're that busy but kept texting outta boredom.

4:29 – I think it's obvious we hit it off. Don't run away and wonder what if. Life is about taking chances. Honey I'm free ;) Sleep on it if you have to.

S 5:52 – Haha ! There's no need to sell yourself. I'm not one of those obnoxious straight girls who does one thing but means another (I.E. texts you, not because you're interesting but because I have some need for attention you're supposed to fulfill).

S 5:54 – You've asked me to hang out, and I've been busy. Simple as that ! No strange games, I don't have time for that shit !

6 – Thanks for that. I knew you're awesome. I'm originally from another town, I diss it all the time, but my first month there was amazing.

S 6:01 – Haha why's that ?

6:07 – Because I met someone great. True story. We made love the night we met. Every passionate relationship I've had however long started that way.

S 6:09 – Hahahahahaha ! Oh my, so you're expecting me to put out then, eh ?! Good to know.

6:15 - Do you really think thats all I care about ? Reread all my words about sex and my feelings for you.

This was pure reaction, I was like wtf ?

S 6:19 – Haha no ! It was a joke ! Like the MDMA one that also failed ! I guess I do this thing where I tell jokes that apparently only I find funny so I can do the “Is this thing on ?” tap on the microphone action. It's great.

6:50 – Only you get it because, as Steve Martin said, irony is lost in print.

S 6:51 – Indeed it is.

Turning point #2: Back to joking. This girl doesn't seem to want to move past this step. I'm just gonna throw something out there ...

6:54 – That last one merits a spanking. Is that fucking or making love ?

S 6:59 - I suppose it depends on when and how it's done. If it's followed by you yanking my hair and saying something akin to “Take it bitch,” I'd say it's fucking ! If I was about to cum and told you to spank me (increasing norepinephrine to help along the process), then it could still be making love.

She jumps on it like a fat kid on a Smartie ! I'm happy to keep feeding her ...

7:07 - There would be hair pulling involved, you can count on it. I'd throw you over a couch or on a bed face down ass up, your hot wet pussy pounded.

S 7:09 – Yeah, that would definitely be fucking then.

7:16 – I'd eat you ... make love ... then turn you over and rail you until you're a puddle of sweat and cum. Then wash in the shower, eat your tender ass for dessert.

7:19 – Yeah, I would definitely be fucking you.

S 7:23 – It sure does sound like that yeah ?! So what changed ?! I thought it was all about making love !

7:27 – What changed is I'm a smart, versatile man, and I can figure out what a woman wants, eventually.

S 7:28 – Hahahaha !!! Well, yes, I do like a good fuck indeed. Both have their place though.

7: 32 - That's quite obvious. Your description of spanking made me so hard I thought the neighbors would sense a disturbance in the force.

S 7:39 - Fuck, you described your hard cock and made reference to Star Wars ... damn boy, you sure know how to make my pussy throb.

7:44 – Are you touching yourself ?

S 7:56 – No, doll, I didn't. I have not had the opportunity ! Did you ?

7:59 – Where are you ? Just stroked it a bit then zipped back up, saving it.

S 8:01 - Getting ready to meet a friend … ugh ... I wish my sex drive was less male-like.

8:05 – I don't. If you'd like to wake up with that freshly fucked feeling, call me later. And don't answer now.

S 8:20 – Your rule aside, where do you live ?

8:26 – (I give her my address) I'll clean it up.

S 8:30 – Hahaha ! Take your time. I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning. What are you doing Wednesday ? I have class until 9:30, but afterwards we could chill.

8:33 – I'm free Wednesday. You mean PM ? Now playing: Kiss Me On The Bus. No shit.

S 8:34 - Yes indeed, PM.

8:38 – So we're on for Wednesday, my place. By the way, skiing tomorrow, my second favorite physical activity.

10:01 – Sweet dreams. Hope AM's not too rough. PS took me awhile to figure out “rule aside.” I have likes, not rules. I'm up for freaky shit with you.

S 10:12 – Hahahaha ! Freaky shit eh ?! Fucking you in the ass with a strap on it is then ! (That was a joke by the by, since those are lost in text !) Have fun skiing baby girl.

Wednesday

12:07pm - Haha can't wait to see you.

S 1:36 So what's the plan tonight ?

1:53 - Well you'll be at mi casa around ten, right ?

S 1:53 – That's the hope, yes.

I almost blow it as I'm in the homestretch of this marathon ... never get overconfident !

2:06 - Don't hope. Let's make it happen. You want to feel my body inside your body, you want to feel more desired than any woman ever. I want you.

S 2:20 – That's what I want, eh ?! What I really want is to find out who you are. I don't know if i have a sense of that. I can't put my finger on you (probably since we've only been texting.)

2:21 – Why do you say “hope ?” Do you want more time to know each other, listen to to records, laugh, talk ... I'm so cool with that. Talk to me.

S 2:25 – This is me: I've been in many a relationships and now am single. I've never been a fan of meaningless sex with strangers, or sex with strangers no matter the meaning. You seem like a cool person. I don't know you at all though. I have sex and am frequently horny (man sex-drive). But I've seen you once.

2:25 - I apologize, really. See the text I was finishing when you sent that. I want you to know I would never make you do anything you didn't want.

S 2:27 – I appreciate you saying that. Know, though, that I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to ! I'd bust out my killer ninja moves on anyone who tried to make me ! I kind of just want to chill and see where it goes.

3:55 - I gotta run some errands, then clean / watch the game. If you hustle, you'll catch most of the 3rd.

S 3:54 – Hey baby girl, am I to be staying at your place tonight ? I'm trying to figure out if I need to have my lab stuff for tomorrow or not.

3:58 – Whatever you're comfortable with. I have a queen size if you like to snuggle, I can crash on my futon, or you can head home.

S 4:22 – Ok hun, well I have to go into the lab tomorrow, so I'm gonna have to get up for about 9 … is that too early ? I don't wanna make you wake up early !

4:26 - 9 is fine. I'm a poet and I don't know it See you tonight. Damn now I sound like a keg commercial.

S 9:46 – Hey bud, heading over now. I'm walking (no money for extra subway trip ... huzzah for being a poor student !) Send me your address again, I deleted my texts.

9:52 - I hear you on walking. (I give her my address.) See you in a bit !

She showed up and we talked for 3 hours before I made a move. I adopted a move Style revealed in one of his interviews: when he'd have girl over, he'd just say “make yourself at home,” and wait for them to take a seat, then he'd sit in a chair at a sideways angle from them.

So S folded her legs under herself on my futon sofa, and I sat down in a big leather armchair. We talked about our families, our schooling, music, books, and movies … you name it. We each had few beers during this time. I only occasionally leaned forward to touch her leg and make a point. I'd get up to show her something in my place, touch her waist and back, but always sit back down in the same places.

So, about 3 hours in, I got up to show her something, and grabbed her waist a little more firmly, and she leaned right into me. I sat down beside her on the futon, we looked at each other for a couple long seconds, she turned and began to talk, and I leaned in front of her face and just planted it on her lips. As kisses turned into heavy making out, she laughed that she had seen it coming a mile away. Needless to say, after 3 hours of her wondering when I'd make a move, there was no resistance. She was a fucking tigress.

We've seen each other only couple times since then, unfortunately, because she's a crazy busy girl. But it's perfect that way, actually. Great sex, no money spent on dates … although I did have to get an unlimited text plan, haha ... and it's completely understood, without even being spoken, that both of us can do whatever we please when we're not together. My only regret is this will last only a few weeks longer ...

Next time I'll know how to accelerate the joking / comfort to sexual joking and then to the hot sexual steps we went through, especially via text.

One last revelation: did you notice ? The age difference never came up. There were times where I thought to ask her. I usually bring it up with girls, as if to screen if they can “handle” an older guy ... but the truth is that was my lack of confidence, worried they would be “creeped out” by an old guy hitting on them.

But S never brought it up, and I realized: why the hell would I ? Then it occurred to me I may have been turning off loads of girls in the past by bringing it up. They want to fuck an older guy, a cool guy with experience and self-control, but they don't need to be reminded that you're “old.” So I'll never mention my age again, and brush it off it if a girl asks (or maybe say “Old enough to not hafta answer to you, Missy !” with a big grin and slight finger wag). But it was almost always me bringing it up first. It creeped me out; they just wanted to enter into cooler, more interesting world.

I get it. I get plenty of things I didn't before. Of course, I'm also getting some of the hottest pussy of my life.