The Ten Biggest Mistakes Men Make with Women

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Finding a mate is one of the most fundamental aspects of life, but it is also a problem many people struggle with. Here are the ten biggest mistakes men make with women.

Mistake #1: Pursuing Women

Most guys will try all kind of things to get women, such as subtly hanging around a cute girl, walking across the bar to talk to a hot girl, trying to be funny and interesting enough to keep a girl's attention, trying to get a girl's phone number, or simply wishing to be with the girl next to them. The problem with all these approaches is that these men are pursuing women. Pursuing women mentally is as bad as pursuing them physically. No matter how you look at it, women are the ones who decide whom they let inside. They look for a man who walks his own path in life, who is centered in his own reality, and who is not thrown off-balance around her. When you pursue a woman, you are being reactive to her. You are not being yourself, and that's not attractive. Stop trying to get women, but instead let them join you in your life.

Mistake #2: Putting Women On a Pedestal

Most men will look at a hot girl and wish they would be worthy enough to be with such an incredible woman. If you say things like this, you are putting girls on a pedestal. When you do so, you are not being yourself, and that's not attractive. Some guys will even make funny negative comments to bring women down to their level. That might compensate for putting women on a pedestal, but it doesn't solve the problem itself. If you view her from a social perspective, there is no way you can compare with her looks and status unless you are a millionaire or a Hollywood star. However, all is not perfect underneath her skin, and she is too often hiding all kinds of issues and insecurities behind her façade. If you relate to her as a human being, you have your authenticity, ease for life, and carefree nature to offer. In fact, you can be at her level before you even say a word by not being thrown off at all by her presence. If you are feeling and behaving exactly the same before, during, and after meeting her, you are relating to her on an equal level, and that's very attractive. If you can do this, you will succeed. You will stand out, because it is hard for her to find a guy who is not being reactive to her.

Mistake #3: Viewing Women as Sexual Objects

With all the sexy skin shown to us everywhere by the media, we have been conditioned like dogs to view women as nothing more than sex objects. Women have also been conditioned to adapt to that image. When a woman walks around showing off her physical assets and wearing a lot of makeup, she has succumbed to the media's portrayal of women, and also views herself as a sex object. When she thinks of herself that way, it's hard for men not to view her that way too. Most men simply want to have their way with this type of girl, and afterward won't give her much of a second thought, much less want to see her again. The problem is, all this leads to fantasizing about women sexually and therefore creates a bigger disconnection between men and women. All this is social conditioning: it is not natural and does not lead to sex. Viewing women as purely sexual objects gets in the way of connecting with women because you then have an agenda and an attachment to the outcome. You are then trying to get something from her, and that is not attractive to her. Sex is the by-product of connecting with women. You connect with women by shining with your authenticity, integrity, and carefree nature, and by creating a safe space where she is free to like you or not. Once you are really connected to a woman and it feels like the two of you are alone in the world, a sexual relationship will develop on its own, and you won't have to force it.

Mistake #4: Pushing Interaction

Most guys fail with women because they try too hard to get them. Even trying a little bit is too much. It would be like saying your girlfriend is just a little bit pregnant. Either you are pursuing her, trying to get her, and pushing the interaction, or you aren't. When you push a conversation verbally or physically, women perceive the neediness behind it, and it repels them. When you are centered in your reality and you communicate with women without expectations or attachments, it leaves space for the connection to happen, and you don't have to push anything. If you try it and it doesn't work, it's usually because you still have subconscious attachments to the outcome.

Mistake #5: Using Pick-Up Techniques

To compensate for a lack of success, many men learn and use pick-up techniques. The biggest problem with these techniques is that they work once in a while, which makes men try even harder to get lucky again. Using tricks to work around your unattractiveness doesn't really solve your unattractiveness. Even when you get lucky, it rarely leads to a real connection or lasting relationship, because you show a façade that is not really yourself. It's just a matter of time before she realizes who you really are and she decides whether or not she likes you. What really happens is that if you interact with a woman and you act naturally and are not thrown off by her, then she will decide that she kind of likes you. If you play games, she will most likely see through it and will take one of the following actions: reject you; play games too and make you jump through hoops; or, rarely, decide she still likes you and go along. If you can differentiate what helps you from what hinders your success, you can keep your confidence and openness and let go of everything that comes from a state of mind of scarcity, such as pick-up techniques. Even if you get lucky once in a while with these techniques, it is way too much work, and you can't spend your whole life pursuing things.

Mistake #6: Valuing Outward Appearances and Independent Women

Many men consider women with perfect skin and toned, voluptuous bodies to be the best women to pursue for a sexual relationship because that's what we see all the time in magazines. Many men also consider independent career women to be the best-suited mates for long-term relationships. If that's the case for you, it makes you live with the fantasy of sex instead of really experimenting with it. Women have also been conditioned to adapt to those images by the media. That screws everything up, causing all sorts of problems ranging from breast cancer, to a divorce rate in excess of fifty percent, to the presence of more singles than ever in history. The truth is, women who focus too much on their perfect appearance do it to compensate for a lack of self-esteem, and they are disconnected from their authenticity and spontaneity. For that reason, it is hard to feel an emotional connection with them, and sex with them is usually average and mechanical. After engaging in intimate relations with these women, men usually dump them the next day, which lowers their self-esteem even more. As for independent career women, their sexuality is locked down because they are too logical and masculine. Relationships with them are often a power struggle and too often end up in divorce. For physical intimacy to be satisfying and for relationships to be healthy, you need polarity: a very feminine and confident woman who helps you develop as a man. You want authenticity, integrity, a carefree nature, lightness, and spontaneity in a woman to feel one with her. Just shifting the focus of what you value makes a big difference in what you attract into your life: fantasy or reality.

Mistake #7: Trying To Be Someone Else

When you view a man who is very successful with women, you may be tempted to imitate him in order to achieve his success. However, he is not successful because of what he's doing, but because of who he is and the way he lives his life. You and he have different strengths, weaknesses, and life paths, so your styles will be different. You can't try to be yourself and try to be someone else at the same time. When you are acting like someone else, you repress a part of yourself and something feels wrong. You don't want to be your weak self who fails either. There is a powerful and successful self deep inside you, but it is hidden behind fears, excuses, and social conditioning. That's the self you want to get in touch with. Charisma with women is not a skill to learn; rather, it's a natural ability you can uncover by unlearning what hides it.

Mistake #8: Viewing Sexually Explicit Videos, Magazines, or Other Material

Another thing too many men do is watch porn instead of having sex. Porn conditions you to live with sex as a fantasy instead of sex as a reality. It also conditions you to view women as sexual objects and to view sex as a “big bang” act. Sex is the by-product of connecting with a woman, and it is a mind-body-soul experience in which you can experience full-body orgasms that sometimes last more than thirty seconds. The sex shown in porn movies is nothing compared to what sex can be. Watching porn also conditions you to the wrong types of women and the wrong kind of so-called physical “intimacy” instead of valuing their authentic feminine nature. When you are not having sex, you are much better keeping your sexual energy and using it to move you forward in other areas of your life. The best thing you can do to bring sex closer to your reality is to stop watching porn.

Mistake #9: Feeling Bad About Failures

Another common mistake is to feel bad when you don't attract women, when you are single, or when women reject you. You feel bad because you are attached to the outcome, which is the result of having neediness inside you. That neediness is not attractive and does nothing at all to help you. To succeed, you have to let the neediness go. When you walk through the world and you don't care at all how women respond, that projects a totally different (and very attractive) vibe. When you come back alone from a bar, do you beat yourself up for failing, or are you smiling because you had such a great time ? Feeling grateful for what you have and feeling good about what you don't have yet will shift your reality.

Mistake #10: Saying “This Girl is Special”

Women want you to be the same before, during, and after meeting them. Sometimes you may meet a very attractive and nice woman, think “this girl is special,” and start behaving differently around her without realizing it. You then give her too much attention and change your plans too easily for her. You become responsive to her as the stimulus, and that's not what she wants. She wants a man who remains the same around her and who doesn't get too emotionally attached. Even when I could sleep with several women per week, I met a few “special” girls, and although I slept with them, things didn't work out afterwards with any of them. You are the rare catch; don't start behaving differently around the best women.

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Ok, so I've been trying to figure out my AA. I'm hoping you guys can give me your thoughts and shatter some of my limiting beliefs. I can't figure this shit out !

I grew up very shy and reserved. I remember doing a class play and being scared shitless ... I was actually looking at the back wall while saying my lines instead of facing the other actors. I remember a public speaking class where I was always very nervous and my body felt like it was buzzing while I was in front of everyone.

I never got positive responses from women, even though I didn't really ever try. The only time I did try in high school, I was rejected badly. She was in my social circle, and after I told her “I like you,” she ran away and then totally ignored my existence. Even if I was right next to her and I asked her a benign question with 10 other people hearing me, she pretended no sound had come out of my mouth. This went on for months, until I told her I didn't like her anymore. But we're good friends now, and I never resented her for it ... it was just her fucked up way of coping with the situation.

Being a hermit playing video games for years didn't help my social skills (wink.)

I've gotten better, but I'm not sure if any of that created some limiting beliefs or negative anchors in my mind ...

I look back on the times I have cold opened (fewer than 10) and every time I was able to do it because:

It felt “normal.”
I felt like I had a “good reason” to open (asking directions that I actually needed.)
I felt like I had a “permission” to open (when I hosted a party.)
I didn't feel like I was being desperate, trying to get something from her / them.
There was something in our surroundings I was able to comment on, but with no premeditation.
It was totally spontaneous, I didn't think about it at all. It was like I was following the 0-second rule. It just came out of my mouth on its own.

Crossing the room to go chat up girls just feels weird and desperate to me. Imagine a girl going from group to group in a place chatting up guys. To me, she'd look desperate and low value. Same with a guy if he gets blown out a couple times. It's like a beggar came into the place and is asking everyone for change.

I cannot open with fake stuff. I once opened with “Where's X bar ? We're from out of town,” and I felt like crap the whole time because I knew it was bullshit. I can't bring myself to be dishonest like that ... I'm not a good enough actor (smile.)

Many girls have told me “You're shy, aren't you ?” even when I didn't feel shy and the convo was flowing great (after an hour !) I guess I've got some body language ticks I'm not aware of. If I feel like my opener is fake or lame or if I don't give myself “permission” to be there, it will definitely show on my face that I don't believe in what I'm saying. And I hate that feeling.

The only way I can open with fake shit is if it's obviously a joke. I once was on Main Street and asked a girl "Hey, I'm lost, do you know where Main Street is ?" lol

What feels "normal" to me:

Talking to the girl in line behind me about something in our surroundings.
Talking to the girl at the bar next to me trying to get a drink.
Overhearing their convo at a table next to us and jumping in.
Extended social circle (e.g. house party.)

I can talk to stranger girls no problem if someone else does the opening. I can jump in 2 seconds after he opens and I'm off to the races. One time I bumped into a friend at a quiet cafe and he was with a group of 7-8 girls, and I just took over and managed all of them, directed the convo for a good hour or more, had one of them asking me to drive her home (out loud in front of everyone ... too bad she wasn't my type. I told her she lived too far out of my way.) I Facebooked a few of them (in front of all of the others) and Day 2ed one of them.

So it's not like I'm afraid of women, or afraid of talking to women. But I'm definitely afraid of opening women.

Why ?

Am I afraid to put myself on the line ?

Do I fear being judged as a weirdo ?

A beggar ?

Creepy ?

Yes.

... I think ?

The opener is the guy taking the risk of being judged. When I jump in after him, I don't bear the brunt of the judgment.

Again, I think that's where this fear comes from ... ? I can't figure this shit out !

It's funny because I consider myself very secure. Other people's opinions of me are no big deal to me. I laugh at insults. I've been rejected tons in my life and it doesn't affect me. I love criticism. Love it. It improves me. The times I opened and was rejected, I felt a huge burst of positive energy in me afterwards ... like an adrenaline rush. It was awesome. I've been through rejection and I was more than fine after ... so why do I still fear being judged ? I can't figure this shit out !

I'm not even sure it's women, because ... I can't even open guys ! Yes, I can talk to guys in line or at the bar or next to me ... but to actually walk up to a group of guys and talk to them is too scary for me. So it's definitely a shyness / being judged thing ... I think ? I can't figure this shit out !

So my questions to you guys that are fearless openers:

How do you get past the fear of being judged as creepy ?
How do you get past the initial non-verbal blowout (when they give you that “What a fucking creepy weirdo !” look ?)
What's you mindset when you go in ? Do you have 100% belief that your opener will succeed ? Do you even care ?
Any ideas on what the fuck is wrong with me ?

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