Time To Become Disarming

That was what I announced clearly to the 600 or so attendees of the Real Man Conference in Amsterdam, in the autumn of 2008. By the time I was finished with my speech, I received a several-minute long standing ovation. This from a group of guys who, prior to my speech, were overwhelmingly of the belief that becoming a Pick Up Artist (or at least becoming a better Pick Up Artist) was a noble pursuit.

Certainly, when I first pointed it out, I received a fairly icy reception ... and I imagine that to the reader seeing this for the first time, it must come across as jarring ... but I believe what I’m describing is undeniably true, and that everyone who follows my reasoning will come to the same conclusion.

Allow me to explain:

For the last couple of years, I've been actively campaigning against the glorification of the term “Pick Up Artist.” Throughout history, when someone was accused of being a “Pick Up Artist,” he'd back-peddle and deny it.

“I wasn't playing games with her or trying to have sex with her without offering to make an 'honest woman' out of her ...”

But society has always insisted that a woman is only supposed to offer her sex to a man in exchange for his providing her with security ... ideally by marrying her, and committing to supporting her for life.

A woman could also barter her sex for lesser rewards, but only handful of times without appearing “too easy” or “a slut.”

So a Pick Up Artist essentially cons a woman into considering him as someone who is offering her security. But he is actually just trying to get into her pants, without a care about whether she feels used and abused ... and leaving her to publicly decry the Pick Up Artist for being the scoundrel he was, in an effort to save face for having been duped.

People who think of themselves as “Pick Up Artists” are creepy.

Don't be creepy.

Don't get me wrong ... I'm not criticizing learning “Pick Up” skills. I believe that most men were raised to be timid toward, and anti-social with, women. This is a shitty situation on all sides.

Guys need to learn that women are not “The Enemy,” and that it's okay to meet them and learn about them and let them learn about you without guilt or compunction.

What I'm concerned with are men who believe that they want to become a “Pick Up Artist.”

When being a “PUA” becomes their goal, they stop being cool and they become creepy.

Instead of becoming socially calibrated and comfortable enough in themselves simply to introduce themselves to women, they begin to treat the affection of women as a vehicle for proving themselves to other men. They stop viewing women as people, and instead view them as trophies.

Men who look at women as “HB8.5s” or “UG5s” are beneath us.

They are creepy, because they are not trying to enjoy the company of people who attract them, or looking to share themselves with the objects of their desire; they are looking to impress other men with their ability to dupe externally-appraised trophies into “putting out !”

It's important for people to learn that it's not an affront to approach someone and begin a friendly interaction ... in that way, learning “Pick Up” is very helpful.

But once you become comfortable and confident in breaking the ice, expressing anything other than your true self is self- sabotage, as well as being unethical and creepy.

Once you are able to break through initial resistance, it is time to become disarming ... to have the people you find interesting share themselves with you, willingly.

Transcending “Pick Up” by becoming comfortable with getting to know someone genuinely and letting them get to know the real you is pivotal to establishing a worthwhile relationship.

“Successfulness” is the most attractive and compelling quality a person may possess. It is entirely internally generated, and requires absolutely no affirmation or validation from anyone else, period.

It is only generated through matching your appropriate self-esteem to your self-confidence (thereby achieving “Self-Satisfaction”) and conjoining that with genuine, self-sustaining Happiness.

The keys to being successful are:

A) Recognizing that Happiness, like Misery, is a state-of-mind ... and as such, is a choice !

B) Learning to manage your expectations of yourself, and of others, and of yourself in the minds of others.

C) Appreciating and accepting yourself, and others ... particularly those of your gender-preference !

D) Discovering who you truly are, and from that, determining what you'll do ... and never doing anything which you wouldn't do (i.e., never compromising your integrity and ethical boundaries, even momentarily).

E) Employing “Reasoned Confidence.” Developing a consistent and reliable model for your own rationale ... aligning your intellectual evaluations with your emotional ones, and ensuring you come to quorum not just with those, but also with your conscience.

F) Internalizing that authority and responsibility are the same concept ... and that they must never be separated. They must always be reciprocally congruent. This means never accepting responsibility for anything you cannot ultimately control, such as the emotions or decisions of other people !

G) Liberating yourself from the oppression of society's counter-human rules and codes of conduct, and realizing that everyone is attempting to follow an artificially constructed lifestyle which is both impossible and irrational, and provides no opportunity for successfulness !

H) Overcoming your Ego: the voice in your head which intercepts everything you see, hear, and consider, and tells you what you are supposed to do ... discounting everything new or challenging as foolhardy and pointless, and sure to cause pain and embarrassment. It is impossible to progress until you become comfortable ignoring or subjugating your Ego, because it fears embarrassment more than misery and stagnation, and would sooner you suffer than it ... since learning anything new initially requires risking failure to accomplish it.

I) Understanding “Belonging:” No one can assign belonging to another. Belonging (literally to long for something) is a choice each individual determines for themselves. Your partner only “belongs” to you if he / she longs to be with you when they aren't ... and this has nothing to do with “property” or possession.

J) Appreciating that humans cannot be property. “Your” partner is only “yours” if they choose to be, and you choose for them to be ... and this can end at any time. There is nothing you can do to force someone to love you. (See F above.)

K) Realizing that jealousy is the opposite of love. Jealousy is just your Ego shouting at you that if you gave your beloved the choice, she wouldn't choose you. (Why would you want to be with someone who wouldn't choose you ?)

L) Offering “Hobson's Choice” to others. Exposing them to your real self, and accepting that they have the right to choose whether to begin or maintain a relationship with you or not. (Pretending you are something other than you genuinely are is unfair to both of you.)

As soon as you begin to genuinely appreciate this list, and you ensure that each of these applies to your own life, you won’t ever need “Game” at all !

People, both male and female, will surround you with radiant appreciation, always.