Comments

www.cliffslist.com/letter/

Instead of a “Letters to the Editor” format that I used before, I thought it might be a good idea to snip out the useful bits of the e-mails I receive in reaction to my postings. Here are a selection of the more recent comments I have received.

Limiting beliefs are based in the conscious mind and unconscious mind. They are called rationalizations as they apply to the conscious mind, and core beliefs to the unconscious mind.

Now, the only way to change the conscious mind for the better (in an easy and less painful manner) is to first change your unconscious. You may find yourself asking, “How do I do that ?”

Well, setup a guide of a few beliefs you want to change, write out why you want to change them, and determine whether or not they are core beliefs that protect you, or if they are merely limiting beliefs that are a hindrance. Then, prioritize the ones you want to change, and work on them one at a time.

Next, (and keep in mind this is hard to do on yourself unless you are trained to do it, Cliff) find the best NLP technique for changing this belief. I would recommend either using the processes mapped out in Core Transformations by Connirae Andreas or using either the Swish pattern (Using Your Brain—For A Change by Richard Bandler) or Belief Change (I am not quite sure which book it is in, but I believe it's Frogs Into Princes By Bandler and Grinder.)

Lately I am frequently asked, “How come you aren't married / don't have a serious girlfriend ?” Now I have a standard response ... “I skipped my first marriage.”

(Commenting on Claude):

This stuff reads like fiction. Could it really be true ? The one thing I do know is that as he didn't give a shit, others gave him incredible power over themselves.

I go back into my memory in order to improve myself and learn about people. One thing I have learned is that often times a person will want to be with someone for whatever reason. This is what I call the limited option ploy. As Claude was so ready to walk away, these women held a limited option ... that being “What can I do to get him ?” Never asking, “Do I even want him ?”

I know I've been there with girls I was interested in.

Another powerful neurotic link is that such a person as Claude (and the other assholes in the world) is that they act in a way which presupposes that you are treating them badly. Most people respond by trying to make up for him feeling bad by what they did. Even though they did nothing wrong. Some people actually feel that they are bad or wrong when they are not. So they are driven to make up for that.

I've been there. Of course, I know better now. And I am thinking of how to use this knowledge to get women. Sometimes when talking to them, if they say something minor, I will turn and step away from them. This helps to shift the balance of power.

I went to the “Whole Life Expo” here in Atlanta, and two things happened:

1. I went to a great workshop given by a man named David Deida on “Sexual Spiritually,” and I highly recommend checking him out ! He has some information that really applies to the attractiveness of a Claude. Or, how to have Claude's attractiveness without being a Jerk. This is so important, because guys tend to put the “shell” of the jerk on to try to imitate a “Claude's” success. This is actually counterproductive. The successful part can easily be expressed naturally without being a jerk. If you can't hear David soon, I recommend the book, The Way of the Superior Man (I know the title is pretentious, but work with me).

2. I met a HB at the Expo (these places are great for sarging activities ! Highly Recommended !), took her home and applied a little bit of what I learned at the workshop. What happened ? The high point: I told her “I am going to make passionate love to you !” and I did !

This may not be effective for everyone, depending on the individual man's “core sexuality” and the nature of his “sexual shells.” A poor summary of David Deida's theories: We are attracted to our opposites. Like a battery, a positive and negative pole produces a current (this isn't new stuff by any means, just very insightful and organized).

This means that women with the “Feminine Pole” are attracted to men with the “Masculine Pole.” Many times, the scoundrels have a great deal of the masculine pole because it could be said that the masculine pole is a part of the most common and recognized male scoundrel model (not that there aren't a lot of other very successful male scoundrels out there, like the “wimpy, feminine” model).

A man or a women can have any mixture (series of shells) of the masculine or feminine poles. In general, we have a “core” pole orientation which could be seen as being somewhere on a scale from totally masculine to totally feminine. One of his teachings is to be able to find out where our core is located, and to honor this as being the place from which we can act most comfortably.

Another major teaching is to be able to contact and express, cultivate and live in the extreme of our pole. For me, this is the masculine model. Therefore, I am learning how to express the extreme of masculinity, and this is the point of the book, The Way of the Superior Man. The male energy is very directed and goal oriented. It is focused and full of a presence. Harrison Ford is a very good example of this energy, which is so valued that people pay for exposure to it. It is cultivated at its essence by the constant knowledge of our deaths, and by living at our edges. The force is created by the purpose that we have determined to pursue.

That line “I want to make love to you” wasn't a pickup line. I said it after we got back to my apartment. I don't think that I am the kind of guy that could pull off such a line verbally in a pickup. However, I almost always say this to a woman when I first meet her. The trick is, I look her straight in the eyes, deeply. And, I say, “I want to make love to you,” but in my mind only ! I see the power of this technique as having the following advantages:

1. This actually does affect my attitude, my focus and my goals.

2. This is a way of contacting the masculine pole without acting like a Jerk.

3. This is the easiest way to control my body language that I have found. Try looking in the mirror and talking to yourself (with feeling!). What do you see?

4. There was a great scene in Tootsie when the HB told Tootsie that she just wanted a man to say, “Hey I could give you some kind of line. But I just wanted to say that I find you very interesting, and I want to make love to you,” and Tootsie (as himself who meets her at a party) recites these lines to the HB (who she said that she wanted to hear them) exactly. And she was insulted and she threw a glass of wine in his face.

I guess you can see what I am getting at. She was insulted by the very thing she wanted from a man. But imagine if he had said those same lines but, he said the “I want to make love to you” line to himself. She would have had no “reason” to be insulted, and he would have said verbally almost everything, but only used body language the “forward” line. This is a way of giving women what they want (the masculine energy) without “insulting” them. And, in general, I have found that it is very difficult to express the masculine energy verbally, but it can be easily said non-verbally and with body language.

(In response to the comment about giving a woman a good reputation to live up to in order to have her call back, not break dates, etc.)

This is called a binder. Used in sales, it goes like this: “I see you as being a very fair person, do you see yourself like that ?” This is done early in the conversation and then later you say something like, “I'll lower the price by 10%, now don't you think that is fair ?” With women, I like to ask them about stuff they have to do like pay the rent, go to work on time, etc ... Then I say something like, “I see you as being a very responsible, mature woman, someone who knows how to keep plans and commitments ... do you see yourself like that ?” Then later I might say, “Hey, I'll give you a call and leave a message if you're not there, so you can call me back when you get home. Do you think that is a responsible way to connect (I love that word) ?”

I have been experimenting with just getting out of the way the natural forces of sex. This has been very simple and effective for me. I haven't stopped using lines, I just use them in a very relaxed manner. Kind of “off-hand.” In general, I have found that the more I keep my mouth shut, the more I am getting laid. The women are doing the work for me !

My Comments: I think there is a lot to learn about what is “unspoken,” or that which the other person reads into your behavior. If you know how to convey the right message, it seems that people will complete the action for you.

It's sad to hear that your friendship broke up because of his stealing ... I don't know why it is that most women usually like this kind of guy who steals, cheats, is never serious ... sometimes, I wonder, what happens first, the appeal or the act ? Should we do the stealing, cheating and never being serious first in order to get such results with women ? Or is it that if we become appealing to women, we tend to steal, cheat and never be serious ?

My Comments: Claude has an infectious personality ... this combined with his devious nature seemed to make him irresistible.

(Regarding Claude)

That was an entertaining story ... quite a character ! I wonder if you could come up with an “executive summary” of the ingredients of this guy's strategy that we could model to be successful with women. (Sounds like there is quite a lot about him that we don't want to model !) Also, I'm wondering, what type of women does he succeed with, and in what setting / context? All women anywhere, or only certain types & in certain situations ?

My Comments: I credit Claude with giving me a kick in the ass that woke me up from my naive state when I was younger. But as I was much younger and less aware back then, all I can remember is that the kinds of women it worked on seemed to be any that he wanted, and that was mostly the best looking ones around. To summarize, his model and strategies could be useful, but I will be talking about a better model in here shortly.

(Regarding Anti-Rapport)

This reminds me of the story of the guy who asks a girl if he can sit down at her table. She shouts out “No, I don't do that ! Get away from me, pervert !” The guy leaves. Fifteen minutes, later the girl walks over, apologizes, and explains that she is a psychology student doing an experiment on how people behave when they are embarrassed. He says loudly, “Fifty dollars is way to much for having sex with you.” :)

The key, I think is the ability to BE FLEXIBLE, and persistent, if you give up after trying one doorway, you may not find the right one. There is really no reason not to try all of them while you are there, until you open the right one. Not everything works all of the time, you must build a large collection of tools, so that you a prepared when you need to be. Another key area, and one I am still working on is state control, being in the right frame of mind, is of critical importance, minimizing the lust factor, incredibly beautiful women know on some level when you are talking to them and lusting after them, when you can be there, and unaffected, they actually become interested in you, focus on the ability to take it or leave it AT ANY TIME, yes, so you've slept with her still maintain the internal state that you can just walk away (regardless of how beautiful she is).

I've just been deciding recently that my honest concern and caring for people (even people that I don't know) is / has been a huge liability with respect to getting laid.

My Comments: Everything is a question of how, when, why and what you are doing. Claude, for example, can come across as the most concerned, caring guy. He would also, from time to time, take on a very callous attitude that, as you watched him do it, you knew he wasn't really serious, and it made people laugh. (See the Claude post and the story about the Three Little Pigs.)

Casey continues:

An idea that is extremely useful for me is the visualization regarding rapport. Remember Titanic (the movie) ? We have 2 different visualizations of the main character. As a young, beautiful woman, and as an old, graceful, friendly woman.

While I was hanging out in one of my favorite bookstores the other night, I saw the picture of a dark, beautiful woman on the cover of a book (I don't remember the exact name of the book, something like, "My Thoughts Shock Myself".) When I picked it up to look at, I found a recent photo of the same woman—the author—on the back. It seems that they took the photo intentionally at a distance, because she's “lost her looks.”

These 2 inputs coincided in my mind, and I've begun to visualize every woman I see as she'll look when she's 70 years old. How 'bout Audrey Hepburn ? Remember her both in “Breakfast at Tiffiny's” and her last, recent pictures leading charity-work ?

The key is to just deal with every woman as a woman, yet with complete disregard for her looks. Now, this will help with attitude, state control, tonality, etc., right ?

Canceled date frustrations. Try this during some fluff: “You know what I find interesting ? What I find interesting is womens' desire for commitment in relationships ... the “c” word as they say. But do you want to know what I think ? I think commitment starts with the small things ... like keeping small, inconsequential promises ... or keeping things said in an intimate relationship private ... or keeping your word regarding dates and appointments. Do you agree ? Because I, like women, find commitment a very attractive thing.”

(About being able to say anything to anyone as long as you are polite enough about it)

Someone taught me that you can say anything as long as you say it with a smile.

For me, the biggest revelation that has brought me is that women can be seduced by mere mortals such as myself. Previously, if I desired some woman, my notion would be that I would have to sell my soul to the devil to bed her. And where previously, my impression had been that a wide chasm the size of the Grand Canyon separated me from my seduction fantasy, I now realize that is more like a small ditch which you can find ways to jump over with some effort.

This change in attitude is crucial, for if you imagine that something is unattainable, of course it is.

Another revelation is that seduction techniques exist to provide a better chance of success, and they can be learned. My most useful technique is not even a technique. It is merely the perception that if you want to connect with a woman, don't talk to her about work, economy, politics, sports or other such stuff. You can talk about those until you're blue in the face, and over several months and you'll still be just friends.

No, talk to woman about emotive subjects like relationship, family, dreams, fantasies, and sex, and they respond much better. I've been able to connect with women by just talking about emotive subjects without any recourse to special tonality, embedded commands or patterns. It is possible to bring up sex in a conversation with great effect. Women are just as interested in sex as men (another revelation !)

But one should build some rapport first, or have some pre-existing rapport. When bringing up the subject, speak naturally, and look her in the eye. Do not hem, haw, look away and generally feel uncomfortable, because she will take her cue from you. Also, if you have rapport and you go into another state, she will follow, so take the lead. I've found that saying few words and going into a state of arousal (try imagining you and her doing things …) is more effective than saying a lot of sexual stuff delivered unemotionally.

Could it be that some powerful natural seducers like Claude and Max have what is called “animal magnetism ?” Their success may have less to do with techniques than with their state of being. As you've mentioned, copying their techniques does not bring the same success, strangely, what worked for them falls flat when used by ordinary men.

Also, most of the time they didn't need to use any techniques. I once had a friend who is something like that. He had no repertoire of techniques, he was just himself. Yet women he met were attracted to him like a magnet. Once he checked into a hotel, and the cashier walked naked into his room. He was certainly not sarging her. He was also a happily married man who, to my knowledge, never took advantage of the female interest, and had no noteworthy character defects.

What is this animal magnetism ? It could be the psyche, a sub-conscious process, or an attitude. Perhaps we can induce it in ourselves by proper affirmations. I for one believe that people can connect with each other at the sub-conscious level, and what we observe at the conscious level is not the full story.

I very frequently start to respond to things women say that can be turned into a sexually related comment ... like they say something that has a certain kind of ambiguity that can be used to turn it slightly sexual. (ie. they say whatever and I respond with something like, “Oh yah I'd love to just, oh sorry my mind started to wander there for a sec !”) I say it in an obviously just being funny and cute way, but it gets their mind going in that direction, too. Then I can transition into sexual stuff anyway. Works like a charm.

Before, I was into a woman at a bar, doing pretty well, overall, and he came up (he knew me vaguely), and said, “John, John, my good friend John ... could you introduce me to this beautiful woman ? Because I am so shy, and she is so beautiful ...” He took her hand and kissed the back of it, and melted her right there. I walked away from the situation, mostly because no one had ever had the balls to do that to me.

(On Giving A Woman A Big Reputation)

Bro Lee uses a version of this already. He would say something about knowing she was the kind of person who “had enough integrity.” I use it as an intuition thing ... “I have an intuition that you are the kind of person who respects integrity. I respect that too ... and it's a most attractive trait about you. I'm not sure how my intuition knows this about you, whether it's how you speak or how you carry yourself ... do you know ?” (The question begs validation of her trait ... Cialdini calls it commitment. Mark calls it affirmation. All I know is that it works.)

(On Why Aren't You Married At Your Age Questions)

I respond with ... “No woman has managed to convince me yet that being married would make my life better.” (Said with a a smile) It's an open-ended challenge. About half the time, it makes me look arrogant beyond belief, and the other half just not easily satisfied. Half the time it gets sneers, and the other half, a good giggle. Most of the time, it works to my advantage.

(On Saying Anything as Long As You Are Polite)

Acting a little embarrassed with “I'm not sure how to say this...” paces any negative reaction pretty well. Like: “You said something that got me thinking ... um, and, um, I'm not sure how to say this ... but do you know that moment just before you um ... um ... arrive ? I just wonder sometimes how wonderful it would feel if we could hang onto that moment for hours instead of moments ... maybe we'd have fewer wars or something ... do you think ?”

Your post on Claude and Max was very informative. Thanks ! I'm still trying to work out why most natural seducers seems to be more ratbags more than anything else. If we can extract their meta programs and beliefs, and keep them contextualized with regards to seduction, then we may be able to be honest, decent guys who are also successful with the women we like.

I tend to focus on the aspect of romance, not seduction. Women can smell a horny man a million miles away. Use a less aggressive approach and go for shorter leading states ... that eventually lead to your desired result.

I have found that being able to use small talk, and not some pickup line, tends to work better in clubs. It has to be good small talk, though. Like an environmental pace / lead ! Women are innately great at using their intuition to pickup men's bullshit ! This is also why congruence is suggested. This is some of the best advice I can give you ... and it's a way to ... look at every instance with a woman ... Robert MacDonald taught me this, and it's also in more detail in Frogs into Princes:

1) Determine what you want
2) Determine how you will know when you get it
3) Determine what will be in your way to get what you want Sit for a spell ... take my suggestion in ... and really think about it ! Now, use ... your unconscious ... mind to determine all of this ... and make it congruent ... with how you act on the outside !

(Regarding Max)

It is a very interesting story ... it deals with the different points of view of the word “seduction,” between people in general and men and women in particular ! Here it is more dealing with “aggression.”

I know a lot of women who would run away from Max. He doesn't seem to respect himself so much (the speed in the process). He seems to treat every woman the same, as long as they look good (who likes to be treated as a number ?) and he does not have a lot of tact (pay for dinner if he will sleep with a woman ...) I can assure you that, especially in Europe, he would have a very hard time dating !

I now typically define the specific and honest terms of my expectations before entering into any encounter or relationship.

As always, your comments are greatly appreciated.