You’re Going To Be A Great MILF

I put together a whole bunch of one-liner text messages to spark attention from the get go.

It gets boring for a girl if you always text her something like:

“hey wats up”

or

“wat you up to”

Text messaging is very important these days, so it's time to get good at it ! That's what I am trying to do.

All these text messages were taken from a bunch of places, so don't credit me for them. I just put this list together because it makes life so much simpler.

I couldn’t help noticing that you’re mind-blowingly hot.

I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.

Hey, wanted to touch base in case you get rich.

Let’s party like rock stars that only play video games !

If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party until it started raining.

If you showed up on a free porn site I would definitely click through.

Thought you should know I totally blasted my pecs today.

My plan is to travel the world in a Panda suit.

I’m glad we stay mildly interested in each other’s lives.

I've been telling my mom about you, and she said I should call.

We’re total fucking bad asses.

Let’s have a frank discussion about our favorite sexual positions.

I’ve put more thought into my [Halloween] costume than into my career.

This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.

I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you.

(If they can’t do something) Your busy day is interfering with my slacking off.

(In response to what I'm doing) I’m practicing the shocker. (Go with the flow after this).

I’m concerned your hotness may eventually make me insecure.

Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you.

Big dinners make me drowsy, so let’s do the sex part first.

I’d appreciate it if you started treating me like a sex object.

Let’s go to a crowded party or bar to socialize exclusively with ourselves.

Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.

I’d take you to coffee but your Starbucks drink order embarrasses me.

Let’s invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our hotness.

I’m too horny to be in public.

Let’s pretend to get together soon !

I really can’t say enough good things about your blowjobs.

Fucking you really turns me on.

Sometimes I get sad about how uncool you’ve become.

Someday we should go into rehab together.

I’m ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are.

I caught you staring at my package.

I love it when you tell a story 368 times.

I insist that everyone start calling me by my porn name.

If I ever run for president, my association with you is going to haunt me.

Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.

Just wanted you to know that I’m new to the neighborhood and am required by law to tell you that.

Really great meeting you, but I’m currently not in the market for new friends.

I’d like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship.

Just saying hi and wondering if the morning-after pill worked.

Let me know when you’re available so I can make sure I’m busy.

Welcome back if you were on vacation.

When you’re with me, your beverages are roofie-free.

Your username is making me hesitant to flirt with you.

I want you to uproot your life and move to my hometown so we can casually date.

I’ve almost figured out our relationship.

I’m glad you recognize how terrible your life is without me.

I bet my weekend can kick your weekend's ass.

I’d bang you if you weren’t such a nice girl ...

Ha-ha, I’ve got you by the balls now !

I hope you’re smiling.

What sort of trouble are you causing ?

Guess what ! (If lame response) Bad girl. I said guess. Try again.

Thinking of you (and taking cold showers).

You're boring. Better start being entertaining before I leave you. ;P

I just don't think we should do this anymore ... sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.

Let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, develop a gambling problem, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed

Hey ! I really miss you and want to see you badly but this dumbass security guard won't let me into the zoo. Can you escape ?

Hey you cheeky-slag, orgy starts at 8:00, but be there early so I can get you while you're still fresh ... fine, well can I at least get seconds ?

Today is Holy Shit You're Hot Day, send this to someone you know who is hot ... just not to me, I’ve been getting this fucking text all day ;p

Exciting, you are going to make a great soccer mom some day ! I will keep an eye out for used mini vans and do some research on anti-depressants for you !

Hey, I was just thinking about you, wish you were here (so you could cook me something and do my dishes / so you could fetch me a drink and give me a foot massage / so you could clean my house and do my laundry).

So bottom line, you kinda impressed me tonight ... and I don't get impressed very often. Keep up the good work ;)

Yeah it’s big … sorry, wrong [girl's name].

I forgot, are we fighting ? And most importantly, am I winning ?

One hundred percent of homosexuals check their text messages with their thumb. Too late to switch fingers now !

Stop thinking about me !

I think of you every time I browse my phone on the toilet.

You’re only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked.

It’s been too long since we threw up on each other.

Let’s confirm that we’re getting pants-shitting drunk tonight.

Wanting to make gentle yet impassioned love to [Tom Brady] doesn’t make you gay.

If I was your co-worker I’d sexually harass you.

If we were in prison together I’d totally help you not get raped.

Don’t forget that blowjobs are like flowers for men.

OMG, Becky, look at her butt !

You’re going to be a great MILF.

Let’s do the whitest thing imaginable.

Surprise !

Knock knock ...

How's my favorite little brat doing ?

Ciao bella ! / Mi amore ! / Ma cherie amour !

I just made you open your phone for no reason ... looks like I got you in check =]

What sort of trouble are you causing ?

I am luring women to my house with candy ... do you prefer Skittles or M&Ms ? (My Addition: Bring preferred candy to next meeting. Funny. Also, after reading posts they always pick Skittles ... I'm going to actually try and bring a fun pack of Skittles when I'm out and use this as a funny opener. If they say Skittles, I'll take out the pack, pop one in my mouth and say, “Want a Skittle ?”)

I know my math ... u + i = 69

Girls are gross ...

I hope you are smiling. If not, just think of me !

Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I just wanted to text to say goodbye.

Out of all the (first name) (last name)s I know ... I think you’re my favorite.

You just popped into my head, so hi ... now please stay out of there

Hey I hope you got home safe [name].

I don't know who your boyfriend is ... but he's not spanking you enough !

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Awww, you're so sweet. You're making me get diabetes.

I was thinking of you ...

Something about you seems to always make me smile.

Feel better so I can guiltlessly / mercilessly make fun of you again.

I’m glad you recognize how bad your life would be without me.

(On the stress of relationships) Life would be easier if we were gay.

If you really loved me you would say it on my Facebook Wall.

(After waiting a while when they message) I just finished balancing my chi, what are you up to ?

I get it ... you’re just a simple woman who wants her salad tossed.

I couldn’t get through [day of the week]s without knowing you’re equally miserable.

I’d like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.

It’s never too early to start a mid-life crisis.

Do something special for yourself and then feel guilty about it.

(Bowling, etc.) Sure ... I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over.

And here are some two liners:

You: Let’s go to Vegas and get married right now. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. (Then follow up with) Oh my bad ... wrong person ! / Sorry wrong number !

You: Don't worry, you're still my favorite girl. (Wait a couple minutes). Or at least in the top 5.

Extras:

So I felt you should know the Snapple fact of the day: your eye expands up to 45% when looking at something pleasing. Now I know why you are all bug eyed when I'm around !

Those innocent eyes, those juicy lips, a great smile, that awesome bod, so hot ! But enough about me, what are you up to ? (Love this one.)

I know you're thinking about me. So I thought I would say hi !

Looking forward to seeing you. You're like the bratty little sister I've always wanted.

Fun times ! I guess it's safe to introduce you to my friends !

Had a great time ! Even if you're a little dorky ...

Ewww stop thinking about me, I can feel your thoughts all over me ... pervert !

I'm having the worst day ... I've already lost 4 retards. I lost 2 at Chuck-E-Cheese ... one at Wal-Mart ... where the hell are you ! ?

I was tipsy last night and gave a homeless guy $20 because he had a sign that said “Need money for liquor, I have a date.” When is the last time you contributed to society ?

I heard on the news someone checked into the pysch ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat. I'll come and get you … but this shit has to stop !

Cooking bacon naked is a bad idea.

Hey, the cops are looking for a sexy person and a retard ... they already got me, but you still have time ! Now grab your crayons and hockey helmet and get the fuck out !