The Five Big Dating Mistakes Of College Men

Dear Dr. Binazir,

I recently met a girl, and my whole life has turned upside down.

We met in Choir, where she was always giving me flirty little smiles and looks. But we never spoke. Still, I could tell from the kind of books she would bring to practice that we would at least make great friends ... which proved to be the case when I finally managed to introduce myself. We have a huge amount in common, and usually get together at least once every couple weeks.

Only one problem ... she has a boyfriend.

He's a really decent guy, and he's obviously in love with her, but she doesn't seem all that into him. She never brings the guy up, and even referred to him once as a “roommate.”

You'd think that was a good sign, but recently, she's been really strange. Fickle. One moment she seems totally into me, and the next she's cold and distant. Honestly, she seems confused about me.

I'm not sure what to do. Normally, I would interpret this as a sign that I should back off a bit. But as I said, I'm graduating soon, and I'm not likely to see much of her afterwards (unless she is single). So it's kind of now or never.

It may seem strange, because I have never tried or even wanted to steal a girl from her boyfriend. But I would give pretty much anything to be with this girl. What do you suggest ?

Kevin

This letter brings up a lot of issues common to college men ... especially the brainy ones who go to top colleges (like Kevin). So we’re going to blunt-dissect each of them one by one to see what the heck is going on.

Why does all of this sound familiar to me? Because I was Kevin not too long ago, all through college and medical school. Man, what I would give to do those 8 years of my life over ...

But I digress. Let's start with the basics:

This is a big no-no when it comes to college romance.

Let me break it down for you: there will be a time in your life when you will be living alone in a big city, away from all of your friends. The people you’ll see all day long will be your colleagues, most of whom are not going to be your age, and probably not all that interesting, nor all that single.

College is not that time.

At university, you are constantly around interesting people your own age, none of whom are married. You literally see them everywhere ... classes, meals, campus events.

With so many alluring young cuties running around, should you single out one of them and forget about all the others ? And then get down in the dumps when she turns you down ?

Well, I did that. And quite a few of my friends did, too. But you’re smarter than we are, so you shouldn’t. Instead, you should be overjoyed at having so many sexy, single young women around you 24 hours a day. Life is good.

Granted, the odds may be good, but the goods are definitely odd. Which brings us to ...

Kevin says that she's “Fickle. One moment she seems totally into me, and the next she's cold and distant.”

Wow. That’s really weird. A 19 year old woman who’s fickle ? Ya don’t say.

Before I pour another inch-thick layer of sarcasm on this, lemme tell you something: the whole fickleness thing is not a bug, it’s a feature. The most likely thing a girl that age is going to do with her mind is change it.

In fact, Kevin has already noticed this, about her so-called boyfriend: “... he's obviously in love with her, but she doesn't seem all that into him.”

Well, guess what, Kevster ? You’re right. She’s not all that into him. He may even be a placeholder until something better comes along, since pretty girls are often terribly insecure about appearing alone (“Why doesn’t she have a boyfriend ? Is something wrong with her ?”).

Girls her age simply have no idea what they want, and many end up as fully-grown women who don’t really know what they want. Often it’s just the tick-tock of the biological clock that wakes them up in a cold sweat at dawn around age 36: “Holy shit ! If I don’t find a guy soon, I won’t be able to have kids ... like, ever !” That very real deadline of declining fertility has a powerfully mind-clearing effect on them.

So if you really are interested in this girl (or any girl), you have to make up your mind about what you want, and then go for it. You have to take the lead, no matter what it is you want, be it marriage or a one night stand.

Which brings us to …

Sun Tzu said in The Art of War: “The battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck.”

In the dating world, this means: if you are chasing her, you have already lost. There is no way you can win. Even if you “succeed” in getting her, she owns your ass.

Kevin, my man, and all my boys out there: you must control the frame. And the frame is that you are the object of desire. She is supposed to chase you.

Exceptions exist, and they mostly prove the rule, and the rule is this: you can win only if she’s after you, not the other way around. And there is a directly proportional relationship between how pretty she is and how true this rule is. The prettier, the more true.

Do you think Elvis chased women ? Or Hugh Hefner? Or any number of douchebag rock stars ?Exactly.

But let me expand on that. Even those guys who are “naturals,” or who seem to be effortlessly good with women, ultimately don't choose. The women choose. It’s just that those guys get so many offers that it looks like they're choosing. But if you talk to them, you’ll discover that there’s always that “one who got away.” Heck, even Hef had to go all-in to nab that one girl he wanted.

So instead of being the seller, be the buyer. Adopt what I call the stance of the picky buyer. Instead of asking, “What should I do to make her like me ?” ask, “What has she done for me lately ?”

That one question changes everything. If you want her, then want her less than she wants you. Period.

In his letter, Kevin says: “I have never tried or even wanted to steal a girl from her boyfriend. But I would give pretty much anything to be with this girl.”

Whoa, Nelly. Let’s slow down here. Lemme get this straight: you haven’t started dating her yet. Which means you’ve never made out with her, and obviously you’ve never had sex with her. In fact, you probably haven't even spent a significant amount of time (say, 24 hours straight) with her.

What if she’s a horrible kisser ? What if she’s terrible in the sack ? What if you’re just sexually incompatible ?

Instead of thinking you’re in love with some girl you don't even know, why not suspend judgment ? Like, indefinitely?

Because, honestly, you have no idea what she’s like. Heck, guys marry women and find out they had no idea what she's like. You think the 50% of couples who get divorced weren’t in love when they got married ?

So go forth and meet some more girls, my man. Preferably local ones, which leads to …

Let me ask you this: it’s 11pm and you need toothpaste. Do you go to the 7-11 across the street, or the one 5 miles away in the city ?

Here’s the deal: in the early stages of your development as an adult, you’re mostly figuring out how to date, how to love, and how to be a good companion. You’re going to break up with everyone you date, except for that one person you end up marrying. And half the time, in this country, you end up breaking up with her, too. All is fleeting.

Basically, all of your early relationships are just practice for loving and and being loved. For this purpose, I recommend the girl next door, not the one an hour away. If she’s far enough to prevent spontaneity, then it’s a long-distance relationship. And you don't need that at your age. Find someone local, buddy. I mean, you're in college. There should be local hotties everywhere.

To recap: think abundance; be prepared for her to change her mind early and often; don't chase, be chased; get your head on straight; go local; and be outcome-independent.